HOWTO: Break Up but Not Break Her Heart

[GDI_Lord]

Yeah, I need to do something that really sucks. However, it's best for both of us. I know that she's not the girl for me and I'm not the best guy for her.

Die kinkels in die kabel: we've known each other for about three or four years as friends, and despite us being/realizing that we're crazy about each other now in the last two months or so, I just know that this is just a totally wrong fit. Also, I don't want to get together with her and develop a more intimate relationship with her and then when it goes belly-up her kids get hurt.

This feeling that I have is the exact exact exact same feeling that I ignored when I first started going out with my ex-fiance, and we both hurt a lot when as broke down piece by piece.

SO, what is the gentlest way of letting someone down? I think that plain honesty is best, and so do my other friends that I've asked for advice.

Thanks guys.

[Monty]

Face to face, be honest and don't make excuses. It will hurt, but it is the least likely to leave a very sour taste.

[Tribble]

Hard one that - especially that kids are involved. Honesty is always the best way to go but most women have trouble believing that your feeling that it won't work out is reliable. If she is really in love with you, she may think that there is still a chance.

Tell me - how do you know it won't work out? You say that you are crazy about each other. What is wrong in the relationship?

You cannot tell her that you have a feeling it won't work - she won't believe you. You need to work out what your real reason for feeling this way is and be honest with her and yourself.

This is just my opinion - I am not the best one to give advice. I have very little relationship experience.

[GDI_Lord]

Yeah, thanks Monty.

Thanks Tribbs. I'm most definitely not going to say that's its just some fuzzy feeling, I'm going to tell her my reasons, chief of which is different faith beliefs, that I am not looking for an instant family and that I am looking for a girl who also doesn't drink or smoke like I don't drink or smoke.

[JollyJamma]

I just broke up with my GF for the same reason-dated a couple months and knew that if I wanted to leave her now it wasn't going to get better so I saw how I felt over a week and decided if I felt the same way that I would do it. I felt the same way.

I pissed her off so badly but only because I led her on as to that we had a future together. If I had been honest I would never had dated her for as long as I did but I wasn't true to myself. I did what did because I was greedy and selfish and it hurt her.

People always get hurt at the end of the relationship (usually but there are exceptions).

I'm with Monty. Be honest and do it. Don't go further down the path if you know it's the wrong way.

[GDI_Lord]

Ja, I feel absolutely awful about it because I think that I was also selfish. I didn't stop myself from doing what felt good in the short term but what I knew was bad in the long term - I didn't check my actions and messages that I conveyed - both verbal and non-verbal - while interacting with her. I basically put myself first ahead of her.

[Tribble]

There are some differences one cannot get over.

@Jolly - sorry to hear that but perhaps you are being a bit hard on yourself. We all prolong bad relationships for various reasons. Doesn't make them selfish or stupid. It is just done and you have to go on from there. Good luck - to both of you

[GDI_Lord]

Thanks Tribbs.

[Siemens]

Send her a please-call-me.

[GDI_Lord]

[BigSign]Don't feed the trolls![/BigSign]

[jee]

Send her a please-call-me.

If you cannot give any positive advice move one please.

[Stuart]

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to break up with her without breaking her heart.

[*Pilgrim*]

Personally I think that no matter how you approach a break up it is going to hurt and from past experience both parties end up hurting.

If you're sure that this is the only resort, then all that you can do is to be honest; won't make the break up hurt free, but it will make it less painful for both of you. If you can walk away knowing that you were honest and truthful, then you have nothing to be ashamed of.

[jee]

Breaking up is never easy... quaint and cliched but true. It will hurt you as well as her, unless you are a troll, (and my feeling, not have met you, that you are not).

Can I give your young ones some advice. Religious differences are dangerous. Even within the Christian flavours. WE all know that people will change if they love each other... but its not all that easy to give up beliefs that has steered one's life for a long time. Is it fair to expect people to change to suit US? Why not change to what they "are"?

Children are also something you have to think about at the start of a relationship. It is not easy to become a steadfast part of their lives, and then move on. You do more hurt to them than to yourself and the other adult. They have already been "left" by a mother or father....

*Off my soap box* GDI, you profess to have a strong faith. Use that. Become still and listen. You have already decided to break it off. Do not let anything keep you there if you are not certain. Some wisdom given to the Kitten the other day that I want to pass on - when in doubt, go without. Be honest, be firm, be loving (yes, you can break up lovingly.....) and be quick. Don't go around with these feelings for the next few weeks before acting on it.

[DAE_JA_VOO]

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to break up with her without breaking her heart.

Yeah. If she's crazy about you, there's nothing you can do that'll stop it from really hurting her, unfortunately.

GDI: If I can give you one word of advice: Bo honest. Don't tell her a crap story, just tell her the absolute truth. You might hurt her, but she deserves the truth.

[GDI_Lord]

Thanks for the advice guys and girls.

[hamin_aus]

Okay, now that the peanut galley has had their say, time for the big boys to jump in...

What you need to do is get HER to break up with YOU.
You must know her pet peeves - start working on them.
Tell her she's putting on weight. Fart a lot. Stand her up on a few dates. Start spending lots of time on MXIT. Buy Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard and tell her it contains some interesting ideas...

She'll give you the old heave-ho soon enough.

[RuadRauFlessa]

I'm not sure it's realistic to expect to break up with her without breaking her heart.

+1

The two can not be accomplished mutually exclusive of each other.

[IcePick88]

Like most others have said, be honest and straight with her. And DON"T give her false hope or drop hints that there might still be a chance. When you walk away from the break-up, there should not be any misunderstandings or misconceptions that there might be hope for a reconciliation. She needs to clearly understand that it's over forever.

It sounds harsh, but that way she will move on quicker and not get stuck trying to win you back and get hurt again when you turn her down.

Matters of the heart is never easy. I've had my heart broken badly. It sucks like hell, but you get through it.

[JollyJamma]

There are some differences one cannot get over.

@Jolly - sorry to hear that but perhaps you are being a bit hard on yourself. We all prolong bad relationships for various reasons. Doesn't make them selfish or stupid. It is just done and you have to go on from there. Good luck - to both of you

Thanks Tribble. I appreciate that. I am going to be far more discerning about future relationships now to avoid those situations as much as possible. If your partner is on the same wave length then they probably feel the same-it's when you are with the wrong person that people get mistaken and mixed up and hurt very easily.

[Sojourn]

Okay, now that the peanut galley has had their say, time for the big boys to jump in...

What you need to do is get HER to break up with YOU.
You must know her pet peeves - start working on them.
Tell her she's putting on weight. Fart a lot. Stand her up on a few dates. Start spending lots of time on MXIT. Buy Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard and tell her it contains some interesting ideas...

She'll give you the old heave-ho soon enough.

^This might read like a >troll< post, but there are truths inside.

From me, I can't help you with HOW to break up, But... once it's done, I have some advice:

1. Never meet up for comfort-sex. Just don't. She will voluntarily decide that your compliance is a sign of "lets try again" and when you tell her in all naive innocence about this great girl you met, it just gets ugly. Very.
2. ... erm. That was it.

Good luck man.

[KALSTER]

Yeah, honesty is best.

When you talk to her, explain to her what she means to you as a friend and explain why the life partner you are looking for does not tie up with that. Try hard to make her understand that it is not that she is not good enough to be your parter, just that she means something else to you that is still very special to you, something you don't want to lose.

[GDI_Lord]

Thanks Sojourn.

I'm not too sure about that one Kalster. I hope that we can continue as friends, but I want to avoid what someone so aptly called "friendship/emotional prostitution."

Friendship or emotional prostitution can be described as where one person (the leaver) says "let's just be friends" and the other person (the leavee) agrees, but in the hope that the leaver sees what an amazing person he/she is and will magically flutter back into their arms. The leavee essentially prostitutes him/herself by giving all the benefits and emotional investment that a friendship requires in the hopeful but almost never realised desire to get back with the leaver. The leaver either doesn't understand what is going on, just ignores it not knowing what to do or not wanting to risk hurting the leavee even more, goes back to the leavee out of guilt or takes advantage of the leavee by not caring and enjoying it. Or, of course, actually realising it was a mistake and going back to the leavee for real.

And the thing is, I think I really love her, enough to know that not only is she not the girl that I am looking for, but I also know that, in the long term, I'm not the best guy for her and her children.

Oh, and friends with benefits is not even an option, I respect her and myself way too much for that.

[GDI_Lord]

I really, really hope that we can still be friends because I really enjoy her and her company and being around her, I'm just not sure what would be best for her in this regard.

IcePick, as much as I'm grimacing at the thought, I think that what you suggested might be best.

Sorry for the double post, I'm on my phone and the last post was a tad long...

[IcePick88]

IcePick, as much as I'm grimacing at the thought, I think that what you suggested might be best.

I don't mean be rude to her or anything, but maker her understand that there is no hope for a second shot at a romantic relationship. Gentle, but firm.

I don't know on what level your relationship was, but being friends afterwards can be neigh impossible! Well, for me.