The Good-bye thread

[Stuart]

Saturday apocalypse delayed as Revelation beast drowns, half eaten

HONG KONG. The end of the world, scheduled for around 6pm local time (everywhere) on Saturday evening, has been postponed after the seven-headed dragon prophesied to lead the Apocalypse washed up dead and rotted on Hong Kong’s Hung Shing Yeh beach this morning. “We’re having to take another look at Revelations,” conceded a forensic theologian. “It’s upsetting.”

According to pathologists’ reports, the beast’s likeness is consistent with the end-times prophecy of Revelations Chapter 12, Verse 3, which describes “a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads”.

However, said team leader Phyllis Tine, there was still some debate going on as to whether the carcass has been wearing seven crowns or six Dream Princess Barbi tiaras and an Alice-band.

“It does matter,” she explained. “If it’s crowns then it’s the Beast. If it’s Barbi tiaras, it’s probably just a homosexual who floated across from San Francisco on a lilo of sin and shame.”

According to Tine, the gigantic cadaver was “substantially calcified, covered in barnacles, and showed signs of gnawing”, suggesting that the creature had either been dead for several months or had recently escaped from a Chinese marine park.

Cause of death has not yet been determined, although it is suspected that it met with an “undignified and incredibly unlucky demise involving a toilet visit and three of its ten horns”.

Originally anticipated to rise from the ocean to bring torment and persecution unto the people of Earth sometime on Saturday afternoon, the tyrant reptile’s premature demise is now expected to suspend any further end-times activities indefinitely.

“It’s quite disappointing but not really surprising,” explained consulting theologian, Dr Flagellation R. Buttux of the International Institute of Pre-Tribulation Studies, saying that a number of the foretold harbingers of Armageddon had been conspicuously absent over the past weeks.

“Quite in spite of the official itinerary described by John of Patmos, we have no evidence at this time of any plagues of locusts, mysterious horsemen, a clamouring of angelic trumpets, the rapturous reclamation of the saved, rivers and seas turning to blood, or even a 200 million-man army amassing under the banner of the Antichrist, and preparing to bring terrible war upon the righteous.”

Although, he added, there were still “hints of impending doom”.

“Like Lady GaGa. And Justin Bieber. And gays. And Hollywood. And Jews. And Communism. And the anti-gun lobby.

“It’s still going to kick off. Just not the way we thought.”

Hayibo!

[Tribble]

ROTFLMHO

[KALSTER]

[ryanrich]

Holy flip I haven't laughed that much in ages, brilliant stuff!

[THE_STIG]

ROFLMAO x100000

[Stuart]

Rapture happened, but only Rick Astley fans taken

LOS ANGELES. As the followers of Harold Camper continue to express disappointment at not being raptured, an investigation has determined that the Rapture did in fact take place, but that the Rapturees consisted solely of Rick Astley fans. “He did always say he was never going to give us up, never going to let us down,” sobbed a tearful Left Behind.

“Now they’re all together,” he added. “Together forever and never to part.”

“Whilst we weren’t exactly expecting it, I can’t say we are that surprised” said the Boss- Rad-Dude Lou Zer of the International Rick Astley Fan Club, based in a cupboard in Steamboat Springs, Colorado.

He said that followers had been patiently waiting for Astley’s Second Coming, known in the music business as ‘The Comeback’, for many years now.

“We always believed that he was the one and only – not to be confused of course with false prophets like Chesney Hawkes who also claimed to be the one and only – but we had no idea that he really was our true Lord” enthused Zer from the cupboard.

When asked why he had not been raptured himself, Zer burst into tears and said that his faith had “probably not been strong enough”.

“I confess. I confess that I listened to Jason Donovan as well. I knew it was wrong, my mother said I might go blind, but I couldn’t stop” he wept.

Meanwhile Astley’s record company has welcomed the “Rick Rapture”, saying it finally explains why there are no Rick Astley fans on earth.

“The Rick Rapture has relieved us of the pressure of trying to pretend that his fan base was bigger than 15 tracksuit-wearing 35 year olds still living with their mothers,” said an executive.

Theologians are now scrambling to describe a possible Rick Rapture heaven.

“Of course, it’ll be predominantly 80′s themed” said Archbishop Corey Feldman of Santa Barbara, California. “We need to revise our ecumenical imagery. Instead of harps, angels play keytars. No wings, just awesome shoulder pads. And of course loads of dry-ice machines.”

He added that he was “particularly excited” about other potential heavenly phenomena, such as “expressing rage and sadness through dance”.

“It’s gonna be off the hook,” he added.

Closer to home, alleged singer Steve Hofmeyr has issued a statement via alternative social networking site Vuisboek asking that his fans remain patient and ever-watchful for their own Rapture.

According to his assistant-slash-paternity adviser, Miss Smegma Poplap, fans had thusfar only only experienced rupture at Hofmeyer’s concerts, but were “holding thumbs”.

“And holding their poepstrings” she added sombrely, recalling the Great Colon Rupture of 2008 that saw dozens of Afrikaans pop singers trying to emulate the ruptured mega-star by admitting to their own rectal ordeals.

[Tribble]

I would have sworn that you wrote that mousey. Bwahahahahahaha good stuff.

[Stuart]

Rapture evangelist suffers stroke

[Anakha56]

The culling begins! Stupid Science saved him from his "rapture"...

[Stuart]

Don't forget that today is Official Judgement DayTM. It's the real deal this time! Even RIM saw this one coming!

[Anakha56]

Aw crud . And I am not even married yet... My last day will be as a free man...

[KALSTER]

Maybe this will stop my stomach ache...

[THE_STIG]

Is it the end of the world again. 3rd time lucky I guess

[StarPhoenix]

Should have have played games all night...

[Anakha56]

Should have have played games all night...

Not my first choice of playing but +1 to your priorities .

[Hman]

Hmmm, can this wait till after pay-day, there's some stuff I'd like to buy first.

[Tribble]

If the world ends it does mean that I will not have to work tonight and this entire weekend. Do you know how appealing that is? And I would not have to do training next week.