Wizardofid's misadventures and other stories

[Koko_Lion]

I like stuff you can read that makes you visualize the whole event exactly without a lot of imagination applied.

Spot on!

[wizardofid]

I like stuff you can read that makes you visualize the whole event exactly without a lot of imagination applied.

Spot on!

Yeah it is not all that straight forward. I just wrote what came to mind, unintentional at best. Subconsciously in tuned ?

[wizardofid]

My dog is evil.


My dog is the devil's spawn, well perhaps if the devil's spawn had a pet, the pet's spawn would be my dog. I can't see the evilness that hides behind that waging tail. Not sure that it is a smile or a grin on his face.

Just today he killed the bread winner of a family of rats. Last week he killed two more mice, I am pretty sure he posed them in that humping position I found them in. The rat in question, was caught and let go, repeatedly. I think he broke its front feet on purpose.

The dog would run up a small flight of stairs, and then throw the rat down. Only to repeat the pointless excise, perhaps he wished it would sprout wings and safely glide down again, or he just liked the thump sound the rat made when it hit the concrete.

Eventually the rat played dead, that is when the dog decide to take it for a drink and promptly dipped him in the water bowl. After a few unsuccessful attempts of making a rat swim with broken feet, he picked up the rat walked over to the septic hole dropped it in and walked away.

I am sure, when I sleep at night he drools in my mouth and leaves a stool sample next to my shoes.

I am sure it is evil, I fed him a bottle of sleeping pills 2 hours ago he is still awake , he is staring at me with those red beady eyes.

I think tonight, I will stay awake.

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahahha very entertaining

[wizardofid]

Things I have learned from my new kitten.

1.Your legs and feet are perfect obstacles, for practicing swerving and sudden hand brake turns that would make a Benoni drag racer proud, and for you to learn a new style of brake dancing.

2.Your chin is the warmest spot according to the kitten, as he struggles to squeeze into the spot, his tail becomes a facial accessory.

3.Ty ping on a keyyyboard, wiyth kitten aroundd, is ss nearrr immmpossible

4. When you have accidentally stepped on kitten while defrosting hake for you own dinner, it is a wise choice not to hold the kitten in your hand to comfort it, while removing the defrosted fish from the microwave.

5.Kitten got it's food at 6:30 am the first day, it expects it every day at that time.

6.Lying in bed watching TV in particular some thing scary, it is not wise to wiggle you toes, the resulting action is kitten stalking it's prey and removing part of your big toe.

7.The mess it leaves in the litter box is proportional to the smell.

8.Wear jeans as often as possible.

9.Eating your dinner of steamed fish, while lying on your bed watching TV and keeping the clawing paws at bay is an art in it self.

10.The video machine and DTSV decoder is no longer you property.


11.Your PC Case with the side cover off is not a good idea, that grinding noise is not another moth getting what it deserves, instead the Case now contains a tail shortening device.

[Tribble]

Hee hee brilliant

[wizardofid]

If you are wondering what genius stopped me from making regular posts here, well he is safely buried in the backyard.I am pretty sure the new concrete slab will keep him in place.I took the liberty of planting him face down, that way he can claw his way to hell quicker.

So I am still trying to settle in with my familiar surroundings again.The reason for today's post, aptly named "computer hell".

Every one has been there and back not necessarily a learning experience, unless you end up in hell because of cursing the newly installed graphics card for not working.Of course you forgot to install the additional power cable needed.

It's only when you have reseated hardware, that was already perfectly seated, that you realize that spare power cable lying in the box, wasn't placed inside for additional decorations nor is it an item for the man drawer.

That isn't really hell, more of mid way point between bliss and hell, still a rather uncomfortable place.I just call it Doh-ville.

Doh-ville happens often, but happened more frequently in the good old days of IDE hell.The days of jumper settings, the days of continual doh's !, till eventual bliss was achieved.

Some of these motherboards were build by NASA scientists, for NASA scientists.I am referring to the days before motherboards ports were printed with were pin 1 started and pin 20 ended.

The only really helpful clue one had were the actually IDE cables which pointed out pin 1 with a red strip, the rest was pretty much guess work.

I my self have said enough Doh ! to make Homer Simpson say Doh !.

In my days of computer hell I have managed to achieve the following hell incidents:

Fried a P1 CPU because I forgot to connect the fan again.

Fried a P2 CPU because the bracket broke.

Fried a brand new motherboard because I forgot to check where the copper screws were in the case this one screw just happened to be underneath the damn SB and promptly went up in smoke, then took it back and was kindly exchanged, installed the new and fried it again this time I noticed the problem.However not willing to risk an exchange again I was forced to buy a new one again,

Broke a pin on a LGA775 bracket, too much force, is never a good thing.

Ripped a SATA port clean from an intel mother board, was one of the first ones to have SATA ports on it, not really my fault the damn port was flimsy.

Ripped the SATA port clean from a 160Gig HDD, super glue fixed the problem.

Blew an Aopen 400watt PSU, with in two days after getting it, in return I got a TT TR2 430 cabled sleeved PSU which till this day still runs nearly 6 years later.

My mother blew my 19 inch LG flat screen while I was sleeping, the power dropped from 3 phase to 2 phase...and she was continually tripping the main switch.She blew up the TV on her own that day.

Dropped a brand new HDD on the floor by accident.Whoops !

Broke a perfectly good working 56k USB Modem against a brick wall, the USB port was faulty.


It's fair to say I am still digging around computer hell trying to find my way out, it's safe to assume if I do, I will have a date with a brick wall soon enough and violate my parole....

[wizardofid]

911 impromptu obstacle course

Now that I given the wife some time to cool down, I think 6 months worth of punishment is enough by any man's standard.It is amazing how I managed to live so long.I don't know why but Diasy De Melker and arsenic poisoning comes to mind, when I think about the wife.

Perhaps in the same league as Stalin and Hitler, not that my home is a death camp, but "iron fist" sends shivers down my spine for the wrong reasons.Well enough about wife, let me tell you about a little adventure I had a few years back.This happened "BW" (before wife).

Since my dad is a construction engineer with his own small company.The yard is a stock pile of building materials.Pretty much any thing you can think of.One particular item on the attraction list, orange road safety cones, a whole bunch of them, a concrete mixer, 3 bags of remix cement and a brand spanking new Porsche.The last item on the list wasn't mine, it just happened to pass through our deadly silent neighborhood.

I say deadly silent, because the neighborhood is use to the violent, exploding noise that originates from my backyard.When there is no sound, the general alertness of the surrounding area goes up three fold, and I get a glare or two from the surrounding windows, from the old tannies, checking if we have vacated the premises or some thing.It was silent the last couple of days as the parents, had nothing better to do and wanted to keep an eye on me, had every one on edge in the neighborhood.

The poodle from the ugly stepsister next door, was finally venturing in the backyard again, unaware of it's impending date with terror.

Well it was a pretty windy day, when the parents decided to leave the young one at home and to his own devices, while they enjoyed a relaxing weekend at a game reserve in Magalies.It was pretty windy and the cones didn't want to stay upright.The cones in question was placed in the middle of the road a few meters apart, this served as my obstacle course for rollerblading.I also had the bright idea of placing a sign at the beginning of the street, proclaiming there was construction in progress. This pretty standard in this area.The cones I filled up with concrete wasn't, it only now occurred to me now I could have used the sandbags or bricks to keep the cones upright.

As I off loaded the last cone from the wheelbarrow in comes 911 turbo.Obliviously ignorant to the construction in progress, the idiot with blaring music decided to test the cars manoeuvrings ability.

Swerving in and out between the cones, oblivious to the fact my measuring system isn't perfect nor that the space in between the cones is rapidly declining, this is due to my arms getting tired and the cones heavier.Our bright spark made it through the first 10 cones beautifully and at speed.The next one or two was cutting it bit close.

That is when I heard a rather large bang, some dust, and a out of control new broken wheel heading in my general direction.As things happen they usually end up far worse than they started out as, and then get progressively worse.

Ugly stepsister just happened to take a stroll with mr poodle, who seamlessly had a new lease on life.Stopping a wheel with your face is not a good idea, in ugly stepsisters case facial reconstruction may be beneficial to improving odds of producing even uglier offspring.

Stepsister blissfully unaware of a wheel heading her direction, looked up at the last minute, which has already caught mr poodles attention, this send him into a frenzy, not exactly sure which direction or hole will be deep enough to provide sufficient protection from the impeding face slam of doom, heading his way. In doing so the frenzy sends him with his fully extended leash running in circles, the circle just happened to be ugly stepsister.

This in return gets stepsister's attention, which redirects her attention to the the wheel. I think the wheel, has good taste, it swerved out at the last minute, and harmlessly passed by ugly stepsister.

Our 911 turbo friend, was cursing, got a tow truck, and promptly left the scene with some pride intact, much to the amusement of the local neighborhood.Municipal works promptly removed the cones and the sign with much puzzlement on their faces as to the whereabouts of the construction site and workers.

The poodle is back in rehab and stepsister won't reproduce after all.

Sigh, so much for my rollerblading obstacle course.

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahahaha nicely done! Must admit that with distractions this side - and your writing style - I had to read a few of the sections more than once. But I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[wizardofid]

Thanks

[wizardofid]

KFC drive thru

If left to my own devices with no objection from death and a over worked guarding angel, I give a new meaning to the chaos theory.An exploding projectile always ends up in the hill you were heading for, and on the other end of the world, another exploding projectile gets it's wings, or speed serviced to my door.

I have never been short of items to blow up, burn down or flood and crash into.The blow up, burn down and flood speed service delivery was delayed.So I am obligated to make use of the crash into life line.Hardly a life line considering the chaos and carnage that follows such violent sudden stops into unintended objects.The unintended and probably preselected by death him self, and intervened by a cursing guarding angled, KFC.

Now we live on a beautiful piece of road with a slight down hill and now a temporary dead end,as they are busy with repairs to a broken water pipe, which I might add had nothing to do me with, at least I don't think so.

My dad had a few weeks earlier decided to clear out the garage.From out the pile of rumble comes a 1902 pram. The wheels on this pram was just about as thick as bicycle wheels.It also had a bicycle braking system with rubber pads and all.

Perfect go cart with some modification, specifically changing the braking rubbers on the 100 year old pram.Braking is essential as a abrupt stop in the newly dug ditch is not going to end well for the occupants on the newly redesigned go cart. Unfortunately future wife to be was part of the ordeal.

After refitting the go cart with braking pads and checking tire pressure, of course safety first, future wife insisted that we have crash helmets.Crash helmets is not exactly some thing I consider essential to my future well being, nor do I intend to look like a dork.A quick search turned up two orange cones spray painted black for last years Halloween decorations, we used as part of a warlock and witch outfit.

With a little modification and some string, our crash helmets were securely fastened on our heads. Pointy and fully kitted we headed for the start of our street.Future wife climbed in with some hesitation and I took the pilot seat.Spectators grew in the street as the local kids and parents stood outside, including my dad to view the rapid descent down the hill.

Go carting isn't a spectator sport, not when you are in a 100 year old pram.With a quick back and forth movement the descent began.Slowly at first and then the speed increased tremendously, which I tried to ease a bit with the brakes, which worked for the first few seconds, after which the 100 year old not replaced cable promptly snapped.

Death's plan was finally set in motion.We didn't exactly plan on the cable snapping nor did we plan on steering a go cart, which has now turned into a race car.I knew race car status has been achieved when we past my dad screaming, slow down.

The ditch, which has now turned into an trench, thanks to our water pipe repair guys.As luck would have it the repair guys were on lunch and the ground excavated from the trench was on our side, which gave us the opportunity to either slow down or jump the deadly ravine below.My inspection to the ditch the previous day was estimated at about a meter deep, it was full of water after all.As we approached the trench it was quickly upgraded to ravine, as the water had been pumped out, leaving a grand canyon styled piece on missing earth, in front of us.


I just decided to aim by leaning to the left for the biggest pile of dirt, and also the steepest of the lot and try and jump the ravine below, and thus ensuring my future wife and me can actively pursue the ability to add to the gene pool, the next lot of best laid plans don't work generation.

Jumping the ravine was easy, the landing and stopping was tricky.The landing went particular smooth, and managed to slow us down a bit.May have to point out there was a lot of screaming going on in the back of the pram, I also added some screaming like a little girl of my own.My own screaming wasn't audible due to the screaming from the back, temporary deafening me.

Our unintended crash into object was approaching, the problem however a street intersection with other moving free targets called, cars.Magically waving my hands in the air like a possessed warlock we missed the major traffic obstacles with mere inches.Hit the opposite pavement ramp, by this time we have slowed down considerably, due to the next up hill starting.Entering the KFC parking lot, aiming straight for the drive thru, promptly coming to a halt next to the drive thru window, thanks to the bending pavement.

The KFC lady taken aback , some silence and then a priceless expression as I blurted out.

"6 piece to go"

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahahaha well done. Liked it. Just a few grammar errors you need to fix before printing it

[wizardofid]

Bwahahahahahahaha well done. Liked it. Just a few grammar errors you need to fix before printing it

Print it, hell no, it's the forums dark little secret, there is no need for every one else to read about my sheer dumb luck, besides the wife would castrate, chop my head off and spit down my throat.

[CapNemo]

I'm sure she wouldn't mind the fame

[wizardofid]

I'm sure she wouldn't mind the fame

Well, where does that leave me, badly beaten, and a empty bank account, when she leaves, Jacques Cousteau-ing wouldn't even help save me from the impending wrath...

[GDI_Lord]

Dude, I'm laughing so much tears are rolling down my cheeks! If that KFC story isn't true, the way you told it sure made it seem like it is, well done!

[wizardofid]

Thanks, but I am not saying a single word, some stories might be half truths or false, and others considered fact among family members.Is it the truth,? you will have to decide for your self.

Oh and thanks for responding, at least I know two people read this thread... .If there are others, your views would be nice as well.

[GDI_Lord]

Today's the first time I've read this thread.

[wizardofid]

Oh cool, you should check out the older stories...
In particular this one, must be my favourite one.

The year was 1988.It was not the year of the bottle of red wine that got “knocked from the cupboard ". That was a 1978 bottle of rather expensive taste. Not that I believed the OK bazaar sticker on it, perhaps the limited edition sticker was of more value than it's actual contents.

Now that I think about it playing spin the bottle on a wooden floor just waxed for extra torque and numerous furniture obstacles does present its dangers but is far out weighed by daring some so one to kiss the ugly step sister next door. The ugly step sister just happened to be the neighbor's daughter whose swimming pool I depth charged.

I set my sights on the only other girl in the group of 6. Perhaps my navy seals/Macgyver/A team ingenuity is what attracted her to me, my ability to get into trouble with a seemingly harmless objects like a wine bottle did the opposite.

After a few unsuccessful spins, I just could not land the bottle on her. I had the bright idea of getting up taking the bottle by the neck and giving it all that I could.

That is where things went south, well not just that direction it pretty much went every where imaginable. I must point out that I am like a fish in water, water in containers and glass containers at that, disagrees with that statement. It is also not a great idea to try and stop a glass bottle with bare feet going in excess of a few million miles per hour.

Well seeing the error of my ways too late, stopping a wine bottle out of control with your feet at this point seemed like a perfect way of bringing it to a perfect abrupt halt. My knowledge of physics proved me wrong, perhaps not completely wrong the object did however stop just not where my knowledge of physics wanted it to stop.

The end result, the wine bottle using my foot to project it self into space unfortunately the wine bottle didn't understand that the projection space should be empty for inter stellar travel.

It flew with in inches of ugly step sister's face, to my dismay. Perhaps if the bottle imprinted limited edition on her forehead would it have been more ironic. Both their contents needs work.

But the irony only became self evident after it hit the side of the cabinet broke sprayed onto the walls and proceeded it's gravitational charge back down to earth since the momentum has intervened in its hopes of interstellar travel.

Perhaps Satan him self steered that bottle into the fish tank or I wished he did, the water was promptly ejected onto the two girls. That was my first experience of what a wet T-shirt competition is, my girl won hands down, ugly step sister wore a black shirt. Thank goodness we were saved from going blind.

That day I did not just learn about physics I also learned that water don't mix well with electricity the TV got fried, and red wine makes excellent wall art, Picasso would be proud. Oh lets not forget putting fish in a kitchen bucket laced with last weeks experiments gone wrong is not particular healthy to fish.

The bucket in question was a suitable container to mix numerous flammable liquids, and half decent kitchen drain cleaner in it. The target in question ants. Loads of them and a bunch of matches.

What moral did I learn that day ?. Frustration only leads to ballistic projectiles.

[wizardofid]

What happens when you attack a staff writer and win, they hire you. Yeah been a while since I have been here however since hired by the relative new hardware review site, I have been forced to write again, I can hear tribble squealing in the background. :p

Just to annoy those, science guys

Schrödinger’s Computer User


Some times I fear for the intelligence of some computer users, a temporary plea of stupendous insanity with regards to computer use in general. The atrocious acts that have happened over the years and the resulting memes and the complete ridicule of such temporary stupidity. There is the WOW kid who got owned by his mom, which spawned several pages of absolute win. The guy who “ghetto” modded his brand spanking new PCIe GPU to fit a AGP slot had he been successful he would have finally proven manufactures are out to get our money, by forcing people to upgrade for no apparent reason. Many cases exist where perhaps, it best not too look them in the eyes and slow back away towards the exit. However me being a straight forward, guy I like to address the problem head on and throw some scientific evidence in there just for good measure, with a twist. So Schrödinger’s cat, and Uncertainty Principle, this is were my cat paws at the screen in disgust, and slowly backs away, just in case.

So Schrödinger’s cat can be applied to some computer users, I would love to put them in a box with a poison, but in this case this user is the poison and the computer he insist in no longer functioning, the cat. Objectively I can’t rule out death without an actual inspection, so I would have to assume it’s both dead and alive, as the user in this case the poison, speaks in a incoherent tongue, of thingy mabob language which have driven even the most harden veteran tech support, to a vodka binge, drooling mess. As tech support more than often, you have to deal with the question is the actual computer dead or a small possibility that the he might have to plug in the computer. To which you can say it’s a common ID 10T error and move along.

When the Uncertainty Principle comes into play you are never able to gauge exactly how daft the user has been, as there is always some information essential to solving the case left out conveniently, for example, a massive thunder storm, there is always some mystery surrounding the now the either dead or alive hardware. I may have used Schrödinger’s cat and Uncertainty Principle in the incorrect context, but one thing is for sure you never know if it’s dead or alive, till you peek in side, by which the level daftness is established.

Hench the empty vodka bottle and drool on my keyboard, and a cat that avoids me in some mental states. So far have only managed to throw inanimate objects at the wall, the wall in question http://www.hardwarepal.com/case-mistake ... c-hardware . At no point is the cat willing to put the wall to the test, unlike my hardware, but now I only do it to keep score and fun. But I can assure you it has never come to that, albeit I have calculated the odds to entertain the idea, 50/50 shot there, either a large splat on the wall, or a large thud and a befuddled cat, because honestly legally that cat is a braincell short of being declared dead. Computer user testing, isn’t out of the question, it’s only the legal system and FDA approval which I would need, could pervert science more, to dismay of many and apply Schrödinger’s cat, here too, just don’t tell the computer user, about it, you may have to explain in thingy mabob language.

Read more: Schrödinger’s Computer User http://www.hardwarepal.com/schrodingers-computer-user/

[CapNemo]

Wow The Wizard is still in Oz

[wizardofid]

What is shocking about that ?

[doo_much]

We thought you were dead.

[wizardofid]

Dead, yeah sorry forgot to mention, I am posting from the other side, down here is actually not so bad, jobs sends his regards, he says he is busy upgrading computers down here to windows 8.1.

[CapNemo]

No issues with overheating?