The Problem with Bates

[wizardofid]

Well the best solution is to get another one.... No seriously get another one maybe female might help...

If all else fails...there is a reliable tried and trusted consumer product...and I will post it again

[rustypup]

so your plan is to see me slaughtered in my sleep, should i accidentally nod off on the couch? we're talking about a vicious animal well known to be focused on bonking/biting everything in existence and you would advise me to insert something up its cloaca?

i'm not even going to mention the mental agony i suffered at the thought of allowing this thing to spread its genes! that's bordering on dabbling in armageddon!

let's not forget this is a male... the idea of sharing this house with a female mongoose is filed under "bowel loosening terror"... my mind simply cannot comprehend the horror of both at the same time, (admittedly, the cats would thank you).

i'm back to pointy stick because the toaster shorted when i tossed it in the pool.... and i'm too much of a cheapskate to invest in an axe, (which is probably a little too violent anyway).

i may send a letter to PETA about this. if anyone knows about disciplining animals it's them..

<edit>
oh, sod... i hear snuffling and scratching at the door... saw him sniffing around the pool after the splash... i think he knows!

[KALSTER]

Seriously though, mongeese (is that the plural?) aren't stupid and they are very social animals. Once you teach it to associate a tone of voice with some sort of punishment, it might be conditioned into stopping when you tell it to, though it is fully grown already looks like. Electrifying the water bowl won't create an association between what it is doing wrong, your voice and the punishment.

Remote controlled shock collar!

HERE is one on eBay for R137.50 with shipping included.

Cat Carrier:

[wizardofid]

advise me to insert something up its cloaca?

um yes or at least breaking its paws beforehand.....

[StarPhoenix]

The fact that no-one has yet come up with the idea of having this hellspawn's dangly bit surgically removed surprises me, though, perhaps, it shouldn't. Probably Retard of the Month material.

I take it that you have donned a sturdy pair of gloves and put on your most resilient clothing before clouting him with some rolled up newspaper [possibly dipped in a strong Valium solution] and sternly declaring "No!" or "Bad boy!" when next you catch him In flagrante delicto.

If all else fails, research Frontal Lobotomy.

[UrBaN]

awesome thread
In the opening of the OP, I thought you and I were related - my gran is nuts with animals too.

The stun-gun was a good idea, with great potential. Now, imagine it could be used from a distance...

Wait...what's this?


http://www.bidorbuy.co.za/item/23507011 ... TANCE.html

I've never really paid much attention to mongeese, but check this out...



That's scary man....scary

[KALSTER]

cloaca

Mammals don't have them, noob.

[Prime]

Is he neutered?

Cousins had a meerkat with the same sort of tendencies. Give it stuff to chew and Food. They get aggressive quite easily but with if you learn to handle and read them, they make fantastic pets.

Buy welding gloves for handling it.

[jee]

Alternatively, give it to jee. That should cure it in no time.

True, i know them well.
They love eggs, and it keeps them busy, and takes their attention off ANYTHING
Word of warning - unless outside, it might be a bit messy....
they make delighful pets.

oh, and for the weekend of the 17th, hamin huns, i will rehouse my spiders as well.

[doo_much]

Now, the issue is clearly this: How does one go about disciplining Satans' bootblack?

Why the heck don't you just set the little bugger free?

As an aside though - who's legs are those hairy monstrosities? Someone due for a 'neutering by mongoose'?

[rustypup]

research Frontal Lobotomy

certainly wouldn't trust myself to get this right... and any errors would result in physical signs more damning than the drugging of the water...rhood to his evil machina

That's scary man....scary

wait until it's savaging your safety boot... then you will know the meaning of true fear....

Mammals don't have them

quite, but what a wonderfully expressive word it is... and handily bypasses the forums filters....

Is he neutered?

well, we've tried twice... he somehow managed to remove the tiny rubber bands, and his hearing is apparently attuned to any device intended to divorce him from his gonads, be it a set of nail clippers or gardening shears...

they make delighful pets

if by delightful you mean hellbent on reducing the other occupants of the house to blubbering sacks of terrified meat, then yes... delightful

Why the heck don't you just set the little bugger free?

you would have me expose the entire neighbourhood to his evil machinations?! what sort of monster would i have to be to commit such an act of terror?

**for those who haven't twigged yet, there is no mongoose and i don't make a habit of drowning animals.. and the hairy legs were randomly picked from the internets, so you ladies can stop fantasizing...

pointy stick is still the most effective... i have begun hoarding sticks and have invested, after some wrangling for suitable discount, in a second-hand boxcutter with an almost rust-free blade with 3 segments!... quite the bargain...

i find myself camped in the bathroom because Anakha56's grease plan has resulted in his being able to squeeze through the window slats.... :/...

today's problem would therefore be the acquisition of sustenance...

[KALSTER]

quite, but what a wonderfully expressive word it is... and handily bypasses the forums filters

Indeed. I have a dog named kloak. Nobody knows what it means of course.

today's problem would therefore be the acquisition of sustenance...

1)You have a thing in your house that might force you to reconsider the existence of Satan.
2)You are going to get hungry.

1 + 2 = free




**liar**

[rustypup]

toothpaste does not agree with me...

the boss's ridiculously expensive conditioner, which smells like a beer factory and tastes like tingly death, is a hopeful supplement - if i read these ingredients correctly...

[Anakha56]

How about while it is asleep you put a big ring of industrial glue around him, then wake him up and taunt him to run toward you. once he hits the glue he will not be running anywhere anytime soon. Then get him put in a full body cast with glue in the leg area's. Everyone will be safe and he will not be going anywhere...

[rustypup]

get him put in a full body cast with glue in the leg area's.

you are both a disturbingly depraved individual and a genius!

but i suspect that a certain someone would notice the sudden appearance of a full-body cast, whereas pointy stick leaves very little evidence...

speaking of which, i suck at whittling and can now add "bleeding profusely from 'friendly stabs' " to the list of daily challenges..

i would caution against aftershave as a disinfectant...

[capanno]

I love Bates.

[wizardofid]

Ratex?If you can endure the suffering...

Two step also works well.....

Baptize Satan....?

[KALSTER]

Baptize Satan....?

Yeah, pour holy water on it and watch it's flesh boil.

[Anakha56]

but i suspect that a certain someone would notice the sudden appearance of a full-body cast, whereas pointy stick leaves very little evidence...

Then go to the extreme, close off all vents of the full body cast and tell the certain someone that you made a paper-weight replica because he beloved ran away. That should work .

[hamin_aus]

Get another Mongoose from the bush, prod it's rectum with a stick until it is enraged and then let it loose in the vicinity of Bates.
Hopefully they will kill each other and not only provide an end to your torment, the spectacle should produce a few minutes of satisfying viewing pleasure.
Just make sure your rival mongoose is male - or else you might find your problem multiplying...

Another solution - and one which I would have resorted to at the start of this malarkey - would be to give your sister and her entourage of furry disease and misery the old heave-ho.

[lancelot]

I think the problem is more with the people who adopted Bates!

[rustypup]

I love Bates.

then you, sir, are in league with the netherworld and shall be put to the torch once i have imbibed enough dutch courage, (ok, mouthwash), to put a foot out the door...

Ratex?If you can endure the suffering...

wait.. for me or for... IT?... i realise this is purely academical as i've never been allowed near the stuff - primarily because i once used baking soda in place of flour, so this could be taken as a sign that i may accidentally flavour the fillet with strontium instead of salt...

pour holy water on it and watch it's flesh boil

you're a witchfinder!? because, if that's the case, i'd like to report a sighting.... <looks pointedly at capanno...>

Hopefully they will kill each other

this would require that i currently have access to:

• i) the necessary bush, which happens to be their natural habitat giving them a natural +8 to MDK
  ii) the bravado required to intentionally approach my violent death..

following which, should the new one survive the confrontation, this would leave me at the mercy of another murderous sod who has just proven to be more vicious than the existing one!... gads, i'd sooner read twilight novels...

my whittling efforts have finally come to fruition... my pointy stick is a fine example of the craft, (if a little bendy in the middle), and test stabs at the loofah have produced some promising results...

i have had to retreat to the shower stall as satan's cats-paw has taken to herding jumping spiders, (i lost count at 30), under the door...

[Anthro]

rusty !!! loved the read.. all I can say your sister is mad (but such is expected?)
**Cough family curse **cough

[IcePick88]

Why don't you just make it disappear? Catch it by any means and then take it to a dam. Take your right hand and put it around it's head and hold the body with the left hand. In a quick and swift "squeezing the water out of a towel" motion, break it's neck.

Then tie it's lifeless body to a rock heavier than it and throw it in and let it sink to the bottom.

Go to a mates house that will cover for you as alibi. Claim the last time you saw him he was in his cage/place where you keep your mongoose.

[rustypup]

tie it's lifeless body to a rock heavier than it and throw it in and let it sink to the bottom.

1) you're an xbox gamer
2) i would not let you within 1000 yards of my pet rock... that plan was far too detailed to be anything other than unsettling..

i say again, the point is to discipline this tiny terrorist, not murder!

your sister is mad

understatement of the millennium... but it's genetic, so that's fine...
as an aside, you're single... right?... just asking... no reason....