I could really use some advice

[mina.magpie]

Hi everybody,

Okay, so I am confronted by a situation I need to give some urgent advice on, and I'm stumped. Because it has to do with transgender issues, I was really unsure about asking this here, because I know how weird some of you guys find all this, and the last thing I want to do is cause any unpleasantness. I'm fairly desperate though, and what I need now is an outside perspective. I've stuck the details in a spoiler, so that, if you would rather pass this one by, I don't end up offending by accident.

Spoiler (show)

I have a dear friend who identifies as male, but was assigned female at birth. He's still in the closet though, and desperately scared that his parents will toss him out on the street if they find out. They are really conservative Afrikaner Christians and unlikely to accept any of this. He's in grade 11 this year, so still totally dependant on them. The plan so far has been that he wait until he's done with school, has a job and is able to support himself before he tells them and transitions.

Recent developments have kinda destroyed that plan. he's 17 and still hasn't entered puberty, so on my recommendation he went and spoke to a doctor, got tested, and it turns out that, in addition to being transgender, he has a condition that means he never will have a puberty, except artificially. The same part of the brain that causes people to be transgender also releases a master "switch" hormone that activates puberty, only in him it doesn't work.

Now, while this is really good from a transition point of view, it presents all sorts of health complications that need to be dealt with asap. With no hormones in his system, he faces early-onset osteoporosis, heart-problems and a bunch of other bad stuff. he's young enough that his body won't have taken too much damage yet, but he really can't delay much longer in getting this treated.

Now, in a non transgender person, this would normally be treated by putting the person on the missing hormones, and voila, problem solved. Male hormones for guys, female hormones for girls. The patient experiences a late puberty, but otherwise develops as normal, with the only complication that he or she will be on those hormones for life.

Because my friend is trans though, putting him on female hormones would be a disaster for him. If he comes out to his parents though, they will push for exactly that in an effort to "fix" him, blaming the condition for his cross-identification. Of course, hormones can't alter brain structure, but from the bitter experience of others in our community, that rarely stops parents from trying. He intercepted the test results before they could get to his parents, but it's only a matter of time before they talk to the doctor and find out, since he's still on their medical aid.

Ideally, he should just be placed on male hormones now, start his transition and get on with his life, but that's highly unlikely to happen. The only alternatives are health-problems or being forced onto the wrong hormones, as far as I can see.

So from the point of view of outsiders to this sort of situation, what do I tell him to do? If you were in the parents' position, how would you react? What would you need to hear or be made aware of to do the right thing in this situation, whatever you think that right thing may be? I'm terribly scared for him that this blows up and he gets kicked out.

I know that many of you will be kinda weirded out by or disagree with parts or all of the situation, and I respect that. In fact, I would value your input and I promise not to question or debate it - you are perhaps in a better position to give me insight into how my friend's parents might react to all of this, and that's what I desperately need right now.

Thanks lots,

Mina.

[RuadRauFlessa]

Jip his parents will be freaked if they find out. If he/she plays his/her cards right then she/he might be able to do just what he/she wants.

He should tell them the results himself rather than showing them the piece of paper. Then go into the doctor and see the doc him/her self without any parents there. Medically he/she is in a position where he/she can make their own choices and can tell the doc that he/she wants x hormone instead of y or vice versa. His/Her parents on the other side only needs to know that he/she is getting the hormones that he/she needs to get better. Give them just enough to be satisfied and not a single scrap more.

[Sojourn]

I have a dear friend who identifies as male, but was assigned female at birth.

So your friend is physically a female if you look at him naked without talking to him, but he is male in his mind?
Zana should comment here.

[hamin_aus]

have a dear friend who identifies as male, but was assigned female at birth.

Was he born a hermaphrodite and surgically assigned a gender? If so his parents must know that there is a chance he was assigned the wrong gender and will probably be understanding.

I say give his parents the benefit of the doubt.

He does not have much choice....
Going on the female hormones would, as you say be psychologically devastating, so whats worse? Thrashing this out with the parents now or living in misery and resentment forever more?

[mina.magpie]

So your friend is physically a female if you look at him naked without talking to him, but he is male in his mind?

Yep.

@ Jamin:

No. He wasn't born physically ambiguous (not as far as he knows anyway) - I say assigned female out of respect for his gender identity. But yeah, perhaps you're right about talking to the parents - trans kids often turn out to actually be intersex instead, though usually genetically rather than physically. IDK, it's just scary, because there are way too many stories of trans kids being thrown out in situations like this, and he doesn't really have anywhere to go if that happens. We live in different parts of the country, so I can't really help him if worst comes to worst.

Mina.

[Prime]

I think that if his parents aren't happy with it, and he does it without them knowing and they find out, it could be worse than if he tells them and they aren't happy. thats my opinion anyway.

i think it depends on the closeness of the family more than it depends on the fact that they are conservative, afrikaans and christian.

[mina.magpie]

Thanks so much for the feedback guys. I think Prime probably has a point about going behind their backs might blow up in my friend's face. Does anybody know if a minor can be forced to take medication against his will? Like legally, I mean?

Mina.

[SykomantiS]

Subject to a psyche evaluation and the results thereof I would wager they can't force him against his will, but I'm guessing here.

Also, he's 17, how long till he's 18? The laws have changed to make 18 the legal adult age, yes?

[Tribble]

From a parent's perspective I would say they are going to be completely shocked. Whether they will accept it - only they will know. I know that I would be shocked but it would not bother me in the least. My hubby would have a coronary. I believe that people have the right to be whoever they want to be. If my son or daughter one day wanted to change sex - I would get a good psychologist and if they were certain - get them started on whatever was needed.

I agree that doing anything behind their back would have worse consequences than dealing with them face to face. It can go either way - but if he does it straight up, they will at least still have respect for him and know that he respects them. The rest can hopefully be overcome.

[mina.magpie]

Thanks so much everybody. This meant alot to me.

If you guys are interested, I'll update on how this plays out.

Mina.

[Tribble]

Please do.

[mina.magpie]

Please do.

Cool beans.

Mina.

[jee]

Mina, is there someone at school, or even better, at the church that he can talk to that might be open to the problem of male hormones v female hormones? What sayeth the doctor? Is there a chance to see a counselor/psychologist that could help with the motivation of his parents?

[Sojourn]

All said and done... if his parents do not want to co-op with him on what he wants, then rather postpone everything until he is legally able to make is own choices without parent intervention. It would be a bigger muckup if his parents forces him into one direction against his will now, than it would be if he goes against their will (after the inevitable "talk" with them) later on without having to fix wrong turns. If this makes sense.

[mina.magpie]

@ Sykomantis: Turns 18 in October, so yeah, if he can stall, he has right of refusal at least.

Mina, is there someone at school, or even better, at the church that he can talk to that might be open to the problem of male hormones v female hormones? What sayeth the doctor? Is there a chance to see a counselor/psychologist that could help with the motivation of his parents?

He actually has a GID diagnosis already - he's quietly been seeing a psychiatrist out of pocket over the last few months after we figured it would help in coming out to them, and mean he could start hormone therapy right away. He's not wanted to use it though because he's afraid his folks will dismiss it - he has an older sister who's a Wiccan, and his parents are firmly convinced that she's possessed. But yeah, at least he does have that bit of "legitimacy" and professional support if things turn ugly.

He's going to go see the doctor this week some time and speak to him about the whole situation. I'm hoping if he can get the GP on his side along with the psychiatrist, he has a much better chance of managing this whole affair.

All said and done... if his parents do not want to co-op with him on what he wants, then rather postpone everything until he is legally able to make is own choices without parent intervention. It would be a bigger muckup if his parents forces him into one direction against his will now, than it would be if he goes against their will (after the inevitable "talk" with them) later on without having to fix wrong turns. If this makes sense.

That was originally his intention, but with the added complication of the abortive puberty, he kinda has to deal with it all now, because his parents will know about the tests as soon as they get the account - he couldn't afford to pay for those himself. In hindsight, bad mistake on his and my part to not have thought of that.

Mina.

[jee]

Mina,

the best thing then would be to speak to his parents before they receive the account - i know the fear, together with the peer pressure - the he is going through, and with a report from the psychiatrist and the tests from the GP he has a medical leg to stand about.

Being trans gender is less "possessed" than being Wiccan (said the witch) Any other family (even though they are far away) that might support him?

[hamin_aus]

he has an older sister who's a Wiccan

That's great, at least he wont be considered the wierdo in the family

[mina.magpie]

Mina,

the best thing then would be to speak to his parents before they receive the account - i know the fear, together with the peer pressure - the he is going through, and with a report from the psychiatrist and the tests from the GP he has a medical leg to stand about.

Being trans gender is less "possessed" than being Wiccan (said the witch) Any other family (even though they are far away) that might support him?

Yeah, for better or worse, that's my thinking too - just want to see if he can get the GP to support him as far as being trans goes, but I agree: This will have to come out sooner rather than later. As for family - I'm not too sure. We've never really talked about relatives and such. I just know most of them live in Pretoria. That's about it.

That's great, at least he wont be considered the wierdo in the family

LOL. Oi! I'm a weirdo, I mean witch, I'll have you know!

Mina.

[mina.magpie]

It just occurred to me that this:

They are really conservative Afrikaner Christians and unlikely to accept any of this.

might've come off sounding very bad. I'm really sorry - I didn't mean to imply that any of those three groups were somehow "bad" or anything, I was simply talking from the point of view that very traditional families and communities seem to have more of an issue with trans stuff.

Sorry all.

Mina.

[jee]

That's great, at least he wont be considered the wierdo in the family

LOL. Oi! I'm a weirdo, I mean witch, I'll have you know!

Mina.

he knows me well.. so he knows what weirdo's are like

[Sojourn]

That's great, at least he wont be considered the wierdo in the family

LOL. Oi! I'm a weirdo, I mean witch, I'll have you know!

Mina.

he knows me well.. so he knows what weirdo's are like

You are actually pretty normal as far as weird goes.

[Prime]

jee, so while the other admins have a banstick, you simply have a broom stick?

[Nuke]

It just occurred to me that this:

They are really conservative Afrikaner Christians and unlikely to accept any of this.

might've come off sounding very bad. I'm really sorry - I didn't mean to imply that any of those three groups were somehow "bad" or anything, I was simply talking from the point of view that very traditional families and communities seem to have more of an issue with trans stuff.

Sorry all.

Mina.

Well on their own each of the 3 is not bad, its when they are combined that it is a problem. I know alot of them, my parents and grand parents are like that. It took them quite a while just to accept my hair(that hangs halfway down my back by now). By telling people like that you are transgendered you could have just as well told them that you are a gay satanist, the reaction would be about the same.

I don't have any ideas for you sorry, dealing with parents like that is a big problem. They 'know' that they are right and you can't argue with them. I found that is sometimes easier to live my life without a battle with many people I know than to live the way I want and have an issue with them. Even if it means living a way I don't always want. Changing some of your gender may not be enough, having a full transformation is not possible yet. And even if your body could change fully, you have not grown into it. You will still never be a normal male/female. It will be a lose/lose situation don't care how you look at it.
Blerg rambling again.

[Prime]

Um, its occurred to me. What are the parents legal obligations to medical aid once he turns 18. If he is considered an adult, then they may not be obliged to pay for whatever the medical costs are.

[Tribble]

Nope - they can continue to pay or discontinue his coverage.