Jokes! - come have a laugh

[Stuart]

Lizard was walking down the forest path when he noticed smoke. First, he thought there was a brush fire, but this smoke smelled different. He followed it and found Baboon, high up in a tree, smoking a zol.

Lizard tuned him, "Hey Baboon, what are you doing?" Baboon checked out lizard as he took a puff and replied, "Hey boet, I'm smoking some weed." Lizard begged Baboon for some weed and of course Baboon was now in a giving mood so he agreed to share with Lizard.

Lizard ran up the tree and sat next to Baboon. Baboon explained to him, "Now, boet, the thing you do is, you puff and you pass it to me. Got it? Puff and pass." Lizard nodded and took his first drag.

After a while both Baboon and Lizard were as high as kites, but Lizard had gotten a terrible thirst. "Hey, Baboon, I'm like thirsty, man." Baboon checked out Lizard and chuckled. "If you climb down and walk left you will find the river. You go drink some water and I'll swaai the next zol."

So Lizard tried to climb down, but by now was so stoned that his feet slipped and he fell from the tree. After picking himself up he staggered to the river, where he fell down next to the water and started to drink. He drank and drank but just couldn't get enough.

Crocodile was lying on the river bank checking out Lizard drinking so much water. Finally he asked, "Oi, Lizard, why are you so thirsty?" Lizard checked Crocodile through bleary eyes and replied, "I've been smoking weed with Baboon, but now I'm so thirsty." Crocodile thought that this was a good idea and asked where Baboon was. Lizard replied, "You just walk down this path and you will find a tree with smoke, that is the one."

So crocodile hoisted himself up and walked down the path. He found the smoking tree and looked up to find Baboon idly puffing on a new zol. He shouted up to Baboon, "Oi, Baboon! Gimme a drag on that zol!"

Baboon checked down the tree and frowned, "Dude...just HOW much of that river did you drink?"

[skunkymunky]

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
"Son, where were you today?"
Son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!
"Ok, i watched a dvd at my mates!"
"What dvd?"
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."
Robot slaps The mum!

[Rajiv]

[Tribble]

Hee hee to the baboon

[Synthesis]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF BUT AREN'T

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahaha no wonder men play golf

[Monty]

<Kattar> jesus christ my dish washer sounds like it's going to explode
<Kattar> I have never heard a dish washer make sounds like this before
<Arkantos> Better take her to a hospital

[Monty]

Last week I went to the bookstore to buy the 5th Harry Potter book, which I have never read. I was standing in the aisle flipping through it when my friend walked up. She saw what I was reading and said,"Oh ick, Harry sucks. You need to read Twilight." Suddenly three hardback Harry books fell off the shelf behind her and smacked her in the head. She walked off, mad, and I look into the next row. There stood a little boy, hand pushed through the shelf to the Harry books. He looked at me and smiled and said "You're welcome. GO GRYFFINDOR!" Thank you little mystery boy! MLIA

[skunkymunky]

"I want a big house, loads of babies and I want us to get married and spend the rest of our lives together," my girlfriend burst with happiness.

"SARAH," I shouted shaking her.

"What are you doing?" She replied.

"You were freaking me out for a moment there babe," I said. "You were sleeping with your eyes open".

[wizardofid]

A young boy passes out in front of KFC, from hunger.When he comes to, a old lady gives him an apple.With a puzzled look on the boys face, he asks the old lady, where the apple came from?
"If I wanted an apple, I would have passed out in front of fruit and veg...."

[Stuart]

Do you want to hear a joke about potassium?

Spoiler (show)

K

[KatrynKat]

[Tribble]

Hee hee that's a good one

[Nuke]

After that do you want to hear a joke about Sodium?


Ya stupid I know

[Tribble]

No the answer to that is Na!

[THE_STIG]

saw this somewhere today:

Windmill - big fan......really big fan

and

I roll my mouse wheel. That is how I scroll

[StarPhoenix]

Wouldn't it be fun to use one of these "Out of Office" email Replies?

1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.
Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an appropriate response to your request.

2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you sendme until I return on. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over).

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in Approximately 19 weeks.

8. I've run away to join a different circus.

9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.When I return, please refer to me as 'Marvin' instead of ' Martha.

[Koko_Lion]

I know someone who will love these.

[Tribble]

Those are brilliant! I like no 1

[Kennyisalive]

While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer,
who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle,
the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to the ANC and Julius Malema
The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion, Malema is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain……

'You know he didn't get up there by himself,
He doesn't belong up there,
He doesn't know what to do while he's up there,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb-f### put him up there to begin with

[KatrynKat]

Sunday Morning – The Best Time To Make Love!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “he’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”

[Anakha56]

/Stolen from a forum members FB wall...

How do you split an atom?

Spoiler (show)

Give it to a woman and tell her not to break it

[Stuart]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says, "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon!"

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon . . . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens fire. Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis Mi amigo, what ees it? "

"Pepe, ees not a bacon tree. Ees . . . ees . . . ees . . . ees . . .

Spoiler (show)

Ees a ham bush...."

[KatrynKat]

bwahahahaha...

[Anakha56]

Thanks Stu needed that