Jokes! - come have a laugh

[Stuart]

I was at an ATM the other day when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

[Synthesis]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his man-part and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his man-part without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"
An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[Tribble]

lol

[Stuart]

Texting guide for those members over 40 . . .

• ATD: at the doctors
• BFF: best friend fell
• BTW: bring the wheelchair
• BYOT: bring your own teeth
• FWIW: forgot where I was
• GGPBL: gotta go, pacemaker battery low
• GHA: got heartburn again
• IMHAO: is my hearing aid on
• LMDO: laughing my dentures out
• OMMR: on my massage recliner
• OMSG: oh my! sorry, gas
• ROFLACGU: rolling on floor laughing and can't get up
• TTYL: talk to you louder

[KatrynKat]

is that what you use when texting.....

[Stuart]

I still have seven years to go. I was thinking of certain other members.

[THE_STIG]

Texting guide for those members over 40 . . .

• ATD: at the doctors.........

Bwahahaha

[skunkymunky]

It was deep into injury time. I managed to get in the way of a Lampard pass and the ball bounced to Giggs. He gave it to Nani, who crossed it in for Rooney to volley home the winning goal. The emotion took over me. I stripped off my shirt, ran towards the crowd and dived in to celebrate with the fans.

As I crawled back out and put my shirt back on, I knew I'd be in trouble.

I'd forgotten to blow my whistle.

[Rajiv]

Whoah...
I'm a Man U fan...

[Tribble]

@mousey = I cannot wait until you are over 40 and people think you are old and decrepit That is for the over 70s.

[StarPhoenix]

In light of the dispatching of Osama Bin Laden
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE: BY JOHN CLEESE

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Rusty, are you related to Mr Cleese?

[StarPhoenix]

The way people code "Hello World", arranged by their age and occupation

[RuadRauFlessa]

Brilliant.

[Prime]

Whoah...
I'm a Man U fan...

Shame...that explains alot. Barca are going to own you!

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and
said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ?

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ?

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

[Stuart]

DIRCO “looked everywhere” for Hammerl, except Libya

“We followed the standard international protocol in hunting down Hammerl,” said spokesperson Coupdetat Mokoena.

“When something is missing, first you check your jacket pockets, then the cubby-hole of your car, then the top drawer of your bedside cabinet.

“When Hammerl was found to be in none of these classic locations, we escalated our search.”

Mokoena explained that their next step was to use social media sites “intensively” to contact Libyan dictator Muammar Gaddafi for assistance.

“First we sent him an inbox message on Facebook, but then we remembered that some people don’t check their messages very often, so we used Twitter to tweet ‘@Muammar, Wassup bra, how r those foxy bodyguards treating u LOL, have u seen Anton Hammerl #missing’.”

[KatrynKat]

Drunk Driver story from Australia

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a Police patrol car parked outside a local pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[SykomantiS]

Bloody Aussies

[KatrynKat]

Nine words women use ...


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not a permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "Go to hell." (edited)

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

[KatrynKat]

Die Storie van Drank...

Eendag, lank-lank gelede het CAPTAIN MORGAN met sy THREE SHIPS, vanaf CAPE VELVET na CAPE TO RIO uitgevaar. Hy kon nie met sy WHITE HORSE ry nie want hy het kwaai aan DRAMBUIE gely.

JOHNNIE WALKER het op die skip MAINSTAY met Kaptein RICHELIEU se dogter, BERNINI , (wie 'n lekker OLD BROWN SHERRY was), se PUSKIN gespeel. RICHELIEU het vir JOHNNIE WALKER behoorlik met n BLOU SAMBUKA bygekom, hom aan die BOLS beetgekry en ge MARTELL tot die dood.

Die bemanning VAT 69 dae deur KLIPDRIFT, oor SWARTLAND, verby WINDHOEK al langs SIMONSVLEI landgoed tot by CHIVAS REGAL se CASTLE, waar CHICOTO, die leeutemmer en KAHLUA, die diensmeisie, JOHNNIE WALKER se lyk vir die sewentien LIONS gevoer het.

Na die skokkende gebeurtenis was die OUDEMEESTER en SQUADRON lelik die MAMPOER in, en was die WIT BLITZ los. Hulle blaas op hulle 100 PIPERS en net voor die BELLS lui, stort JEREPICO se mure inmekaar.

Vanaf die CASTLE stuur PRINCE CHARLIE 'n boodskap met 'n FISH EAGLE oor DRAKENSIG na KOOS WYE VOETE (KWV ) wat in 5TH AVENUE, JOHANNESBERGER bly.

Intussen sien FISH EAGLE 'n GOLD DUCK, kry 'n bonsende RED HEART en land onmiddelik op haar DIMPLE TEQUILA. Met die noodlanding breek hy ongelukkig sy een HANEPOOT en beskadig sy SAKKIES .

Die forteinsoeker, ene HEINEKEN, gaan die bouvalle van JEREPICO binne, opsoek na HUNTERS GOLD en SPICED GOLD en kom sy AMAROELA tee.

Meneer OHLSON, wat 'n BLACK LABEL van afkoms is, hou hom HANSA slim (maar eintlik is hy net n DOM PEDRO), SNAPPS nie SMIRNOFF en J&B se storie nie en skree VIVA BERNINI!

Hierdie verhaal sal nooit in der ewigheid sy DOP of einde sien nie.

[skunkymunky]

My suspicious girlfriend came home from work early today and said to me "I know something grotesque and unnatural is going on right under my nose"

"Relax darling, your moustache is lovely" I replied

[Cyberduke]

This is something that really happened to me today.

I walked into our only computer shop in our town and asked the guy what would a geforce gtx460 1gb cost me? (I knew it would be quite expensive since it it a small town but I did it just to show my father that it is expensive here because he believes in buying here.) The guy said he would check but it would be around R600-R700 ?!?!?!HUH I did not think he was serious since those cards are more expensive than that.
But he was serious. I am still waiting for the real price.

[Tribble]

You should have bought one (but check it out first to make sure it isn't some Chinese thingy)

[Sojourn]

Guy had his cards confused most probably. He sounds like an ex-incredible connection employee.

[Cyberduke]

The real price came. He told me the next: All the cheap (R600-R700) nvidia geforce gtx 460 1gb ddr5 cards have been sold out. But there are still very expensive nvidia geforce gtx 460 1gb ddr5 card left for R1250.

ps. I gave him ALL the info on the card as specified above.

[Tribble]

Why couldn't he just be honest and say he had made a mistake?! I am sure you would have a bit more respect for him. But knowing he thinks you are idiot enough to believe his story ...... well let us say you should fail him in that other fail thread.