Jokes! - come have a laugh

ArmatageShanks · Post by **ArmatageShanks** » 07 Jun 2006, 10:53

Sloopy Pottydunkin

M1K3 · Post by **M1K3** » 07 Jun 2006, 12:10

sleezy pottybrains?

Ashley_Pops · Post by **Ashley_Pops** » 07 Jun 2006, 12:16

Farcus Dippinhead

Post by **OnlyOneKenobi** » 07 Jun 2006, 12:20

Snickle Farkledunkin

Kher-za · Post by **Kher-za** » 07 Jun 2006, 12:20

dorky pottysprinkles

Post by **wit_skapie** » 07 Jun 2006, 12:30

sloopy chickendoodle

lmm · Post by **lmm** » 07 Jun 2006, 15:01

How To Start Your Day With A Positive Outlook ...

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "work."

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN

5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete work
permanently?"

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

7. Feel better?

Kher-za · Post by **Kher-za** » 07 Jun 2006, 15:13

i did it with 'your boss', it feels a whole lot better.

then i tried communism.

*spam*

did u know that chinese officials are placing restrictions on the use of google to control the use of information in china? what a joke.

VoxynQueen · Post by **VoxynQueen** » 07 Jun 2006, 15:15

Yes. I did.

chez · Post by **chez** » 07 Jun 2006, 19:32

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden.....POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact; you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone !

After Dave recovered from the shock, he yells for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussywillows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD; DON'T SWING!"

crabstick · Post by **crabstick** » 07 Jun 2006, 20:26

sleezy farklenose

RadeonX64 · Post by **RadeonX64** » 07 Jun 2006, 22:35

Kher-za wrote:i did it with 'your boss', it feels a whole lot better.

then i tried communism.

*spam*

did u know that chinese officials are placing restrictions on the use of google to control the use of information in china? what a joke.

Yeah that is a joke

Post by **Thrall** » 08 Jun 2006, 04:19

chez wrote:Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, FRED! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD; DON'T SWING!"

Chez, you're a baaaaaaad girl!

eraser · Post by **eraser** » 08 Jun 2006, 10:02

A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not
listening to them.

simmy · Post by **simmy** » 08 Jun 2006, 13:22

Super 14 quotes of the year

"Nobody in Rugby should be called a genius. A genius
is a guy like Norman Einstein." - Jono Gibbs - Chiefs

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it
takes." - Rodney So'ialo - Hurricanes - on University

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You
guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Colin
Cooper - Hurricanes head coach

Chris Masoe (Hurricanes) on whether he had visited
the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the
names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning
regardless of what time it is." - Colin Cooper on Paul Tito

Kevin Senio (Auckland), on Night Rugby vs Day Games
"It's basically the same, just darker."

David Nucifora (Auckland) talking about Troy Flavell
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He
said, 'David, I don't know and I don't care.'

david Holwell (Hurricanes) when asked about the
upcoming season: "I want to reach for 150 or 200 points this season,
whichever comes first."

"Andy Ellis - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few
weeks ago"(Murray Mexted)

"Colin has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a
calculator." (Ma Nonu)

"He scored that try after only 22 seconds - totally
against the run of play." (Murray Mexted)

"We actually got the winning try three minutes from
the end but then they scored." (Phil Waugh Warratah)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body." (Jerry Collins)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one
before it which was identical." (Tony Brown)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and
father." (Tana Umaga)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in rugby -
but none of them serious." (Doc Mayhew)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can
expect the same thing again."(Anton Oliver)

"I would not say he (Rico Gear) is the best left
winger in the Super 14, but there are none better." (Murray Mexted)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to
break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Ewan McKenzie)

Murray Deaker: "Have you ever thought of writing your
autobiography?"
Tana Umaga: "On what ?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a
draw."(Murray Mexted)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to
hang in the air for even longer."(Murray Mexted)

chez · Post by **chez** » 08 Jun 2006, 19:47

Patrick was on holiday in Australia from Ireland and couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls on Bondi Beach. So he asks one of the local lifeguards for some advice.

"Mate; it's obvious" said the Lifeguard. "You're wearing them baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old geezer. They're years outta style! Your best bet is to grab a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small should do - and drop a fist-sized potato down 'em"
"I'm tellin' you Mate... you'll have all the babes wantin' you!"

The following weekend Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new, too-tight Speedos; and his fist-sized potato.

Everyone on the beach is disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing and looking sick. So Patrick goes back to the Lifeguard and asks him; "What the hell is wrong now?!"

"JAYY...SUS Mate!!!!" cries the Life guard. "The potato goes in the front!"

Dr_Jung · Post by **Dr_Jung** » 08 Jun 2006, 19:51

Whoooo Hooooo Good one!

Kher-za · Post by **Kher-za** » 09 Jun 2006, 08:50

I know this has been posted before but i'm going to post it again. here goes.

JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USAand thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

a. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

b. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.'

c. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

d. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburghas 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.

e. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "_ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or pouring your guts out to stranger who has to be paid to listen to you then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UKprices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") _ roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywoodwill be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywoodwill also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

simmy · Post by **simmy** » 09 Jun 2006, 14:14

Subject: FW: Boys

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...

Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dusters and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late

8.) Brake fluid mixed with beer makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject "salad" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the beer and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys do it because:

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

lmm · Post by **lmm** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:23

Are You Ready for Parenthood?

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 5% of
the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to a local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then
go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods
of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how
they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they
might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that
you will have all the answers.

Test 3
To discover how the nights will feels:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other
obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems:
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6
Get ready to go out
1. Wait.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come back in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in again.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries
without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even
contemplate having children.

Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

Test 10
Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies
and Disney. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?

Test 12
Make a recording of someone shouting "Mummy" repeatedly. Important: no more
than a 4 second delay between each Mummy - occasional crescendo to the
level of a supersonic jet if required. Play this tape in your car,
everywhere you go for the next 4 years. You are now ready to take a long
trip with a toddler.

Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug
on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed
above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there
is a child in the room.

Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important
meeting. Now:
1. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel.
6. Do not change, you have no time.
7. Go directly to work.

You are now ready to have kids!

lmm · Post by **lmm** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:25

~*~DADDY'S TEN~*~
~*~RULES OF~*~ ~*~DATING~*~
(Guys take note.)

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, imwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my >daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

nifty · Post by **nifty** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:31

Hey thats too similar to my previous experiences to be coincidence...

lmm · Post by **lmm** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:32

care to explain?

VoxynQueen · Post by **VoxynQueen** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:35

He has a daughter?

nifty · Post by **nifty** » 09 Jun 2006, 15:40

Nope - but my ex's dad was a professional hunter by profession...

Just think of the joy I faced...