Jokes! - come have a laugh

[SarX]

What Men Know About Women
1. ...
2. .?.
3. ???
4. uhh
5. ...
6. ...
7. ,,,
8. .,.
9. Umm, no ...
10. THEY HAVE BREASTS!

[Moses]

I know none of these are supposed to be funny, but I found the following news items from today pretty amusing.

The Rayburn House Office Building was locked down Friday morning after a report of "shots fired" prompted armed police to fan out and conduct a room-by-room search of the complex.

High-ranking law enforcement sources at the Capitol told law enforcement expert Mike Brooks the noises heard in the garage apparently were made by a mechanic using a pneumatic hammer on an elevator.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/POLITICS/05/26/ ... index.html

A man who attacked his girlfriend with a plastic pipe — because she stole his disability grant to buy liquor — was jailed for nine months on Friday.

http://iafrica.com/news/sa/431336.htm

LINCOLN, Nebraska (AP) -- A judge's decision to sentence a 5-foot-1 man to probation instead of prison for sexually assaulting a child has angered crime victim advocates who say the punishment sends the wrong message.

But supporters of short people say it's about time someone recognizes the unique challenges they face.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/05/26/judge ... index.html

[Slasher]

LOL... good articles... classic...

[Thrall]

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution. At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has
been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret -- "What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a very bad conductor."

[Thrall]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews, please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

[Kiran]

Ja I know this isn't strictly a joke, but its very funny so here it is:

The World According to Americans

<=== Click to enlarge

[chez]

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?





A: One!!! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They'd sit there in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!! And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 13 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find the bulbs 2 DAYS LATER , the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE !




I'm sorry. What was your question?

[hexXie]

>>> did u make that up?

[CatZ]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Sojourn]

A little old lady is on a bus, buying a ticket from the bus conductor, fumbling in a voluminous bag for the correct change. After 15 minutes the conductor becomes so enraged that he hits her on the head with the ticket-dispenser, and the poor old dear dies instantly. Not surprisingly, he is convicted and put on death row.

Just before he is to be electrocuted, his last request is for 12 pounds of bananas, which he devours. They strap him into the chair, flip the switch and he just sits there, smiling. According to tradition, this is considered a reprieve from God and he is freed.

Somehow he gets his old job back, and he is happily handing out tickets when he sees a girl stick her gum on the back of a seat on the bus. Enraged, he lunges out with the ticket dispenser, breaking the offender's neck and killing her.

Again, he is convicted and sent to death row. He again eats the 12 pounds of bananas, and lo and behold, the electricity does not harm him. This time the executioner cleans the contacts, makes him sit in a bucket of water, he tries everything - but the guy won't die. So again, he is set free.

Amazingly he regains his job. It takes him one day to lose his temper and beat to death a young boy who starts to chew his bus ticket. He returns to death row, eats the bananas, and again survives the electrocution. At this point, the failed executioner can take no more, his professional pride has
been hurt.

Before setting our friend free again, he asks him his secret -- "What is it with the bananas?"

"Oh, the bananas have nothing to do with it," replies our friend. "I'm just a very bad conductor."

I nearly died from pain and agony reading that.... lol

s

[Sojourn]

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews, please."

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

AWESOME !!!!!!!! lol x20

s

[rustypup]

<pole dancing on a bus..>
While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
<again with the painful humour..>
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

[skunkymunky]

One day, Gamat was driving his Cortina down Voortrekker Road when he
saw his bra, Waanie, driving a brand new M3. Gamat pulled up next to
him
with so a moerse smile that all his gold teeth showed. He asks
:"Waanie
my broe, where did you chise this vark BM, it look jass my broe!
> "Moena gave it to me" Waanie says.
> "She gave it to you! I knew that kin smaaked you, but a new vark
M3???"
> "Jaa my broe, lemme wys you gou the nommer: We were driving on a
gravel road, in the middle of nowhere.
> She parked the car, jumped out, took off all her clothes and
shouted: "Waanie, take whatever you want ''.
> Kyk hie, I tjek mos "SALLLLUTE" so I took the car!
> "Jarrre Waanie, you mos k@k slim! Her clothes would mos never have
fitted you!!!

[hamin_aus]

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
*****************************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
*****************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper.
Let's have a word
with
him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
****************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1 ]

Knowing where to put it $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Five
****************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

***************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Six
***************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an
Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal

Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Seven
****************************

Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Eight
****************************

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
****************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week"

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[rustypup]

<sounds familiar...>
Woman: "No, I'm telling you, I'm right! He couldn't eat the Trix because he was an adult rabbit, and Trix were only supposed to be for kids."

Man: "Well, I always thought it was just because he was a rabbit and not a person."

[A period of silence -- the woman looks down at her food.]

Man: "What's wrong?"

Woman: "I'm just really getting tired of you always being wrong."
-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-
<words-o-wisdom... tm ...>
"To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost." -Gustave Flaubert

"The only way to avoid being miserable is not to have enough leisure to wonder whether you are happy or not." -George Bernard Shaw

"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." -Bernard Bailey

[eraser]

For Y0da!

sheeps get their grooves on

[skunkymunky]

Origins of The Internet

It came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com ... and that is how it all began.

[skunkymunky]

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his t3sticles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under his left t3sticle and told the midget to turn his head and cough (the usual method to check for a hernia). "Aha!" mumbled the doc and putting his finger under the right t3sticle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if his t3sticles still ached. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his t3sticles were no longer aching. The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it...What did you do?" The Doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots".

[skunkymunky]

This was apparently in the Washington Post ... the title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. " I walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having s3x with a pumpkin?". "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"

[5imon3]

ADVANTAGE OF BEING AN ARAB
An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. One day
he decided that he would love to plant potatoes and herbs in his garden,
but he knew he was alone and too old and weak. His son was in college in
Paris, so the old man sent him an e-mail explaining the problem:


"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden.
I am sure, if only you were here, that you would help me and dig up the
garden for me. I love you, your father."


The following day, the old man received a response e-mail from his son:


"Beloved father, please don't touch the garden. That is where I have
hidden 'the THING.' I love you, too, Ahmed."


At 4pm the FBI and the Rangers visited the house of the old man and took
the whole garden apart, searching every inch. But they couldn't find
anything. Disappointed, they left the house.


The next day, the old man received another e-mail from his son:


"Beloved father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your
potatoes. That is all I could do for you from here. Your loving son,
Ahmed."

[Kher-za]

>>>>>>DON'T LAUGH UNTIL YOU FIND OUT WHAT YOUR NEW NAME IS ..
>>>>>>We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.
>>>>>>Please
>>>>>>don't be a bore and ruin it. Send it on to everyone you know
including
>>>>>>the person that sent it to you.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some
>>>>>>silliness to break up the day. And, if we are honest, we have a lot
>>>>>>more stressful days than not.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Here is your dose of humor...
>>>>>>
>>>>>>A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>B. Once you have your new name, put it in the subject box and forward
>>>>>>it to friends and family and co-workers. Don't forget to forward it
>>>>>>back to the person who sent! it to you, so they know you
participated.
>>>>>>And don't go all adult
>>>>>>- a senior
>>>>>>manager is now known far and wide as Dorky Gizzardsniffer.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>The following is excerpted from a children's book, Captain Underpants
>>>>>>and the Perilous Plot Professor Poopypants, by Dave Pilkey, in which
>>>>>>the evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
>>>>>>
>>>>>>1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new
first
>>>>>>name:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>a = snickle
>>>>>>b = doombah
>>>>>>c = goober
>>>>>>d = cheesey
>>>>>>e = crusty
>>>>>>f = greasy
>>>>>>g = dumbo
>>>>>>h = farcus
>>>>>>i = dorky
>>>>>>j = doofus
>>>>>>k = funky
>>>>>>l = boobie
>>>>>>m = sleezy
>>>>>>n = sloopy
>>>>>>o = fluffy
>>>>>>p = stinky
>>>>>>q = slimy
>>>>>>r = dorfus
>>>>>>s = snooty
>>>>>>t = tootsie
>>>>>>u = dipsy
>>>>>> > v = sneezy
>>>>>>w = liver
>>>>>>x = skippy
>>>>>>y = dinky
>>>>>>z = zippy
>>>>>>
>>>>>>2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first
half
>>>>>>of your new last
>>>>>>name:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>a = dippin
>>>>>>b = feather
>>>>>>c = batty
>>>>>>d = burger
>>>>>>e = chicken
>>>>>>f = barffyg = lizard
>>>>>>h = waffle
>>>>>>i = farkle
>>>>>>j = monkey
>>>>>>k = flippin
>>>>>>l = fricken
>>>>>>m = bubble
>>>>>>n = rhino
>>>>>>o = potty
>>>>>>p = hamster
>>>>>>q = buckle
>>>>>>r = gizzard
>>>>>>s = lickin
>>>>>>t = snickle
>>>>>>u = chuckle
>>>>>>v = pickle
>>>>>>w = hubble
>>>>>>x = dingle
>>>>>>y = gorilla
>>>>>>z = girdle
>>>>>>
>>>>>>3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second
half
>>>>>>of your new last name:
>>>>>>
>>>>>>a = butt
>>>>>>b = boob
>>>>>>c = face
>>>>>>d = nose
>>>>>>e = hump
>>>>>>f = breath
>>>>>>g = pants
>>>>>>h = shorts
>>>>>>i = lips
>>>>>>j = honker
>>>>>>k = head
>>>>>>l = tush
>>>>>>m = chunks
>>>>>>n = dunkin
>>>>>>o = brains
>>>>>>p = biscuits
>>>>>>q = toes
>>>>>>r = doodle
>>>>>>s = fanny
>>>>>>t = sniffer
>>>>>>u = sprinkles
>>>>>>v = frack
>>>>>>w = squirt
>>>>>>x = humperdinck
>>>>>>y = hiney
>>>>>>z = juice
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is: Fluffy Chucklefanny.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Now when you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.
>>>>>>And remember that children laugh an average of 146 times a day;
adults
>>>>>>laugh an average of 4 times a day. Put more laughter in your day.

[capanno]

Id rather not post mine...

[skunkymunky]

Funky PottyBiscuits

[Dboy]

dorfus farkleface

[eraser]

Sneezy Pottysprinkles