Here's some of my old SMS's:
(please forgive some are in afrikaans)
Hoe Lyk 'n ryk poppie se vibrator? Goud,3 batterye en 3 spoedknoppies.
Hoe lyk 'n arm poppie s'n? 'm Coke Bottel met 3 torre in!
Moffie gaan in die slaghuis,vra vir 'n salamie.die slagtervra-"moet ek die salamie in slices sny?" moffie antwoord-"lyk my hol vir jou soos 'n spaarbussie?
Redhead to blonde 'I just got a f***ing speed-fine ' Blonde... ;sh**,how fast were you fu***ing?
Remeber the time we went on that train ride and I stuck my bottom out the window.You then stuck your head out and everyone thought we were TWINS!!
Jokes! - come have a laugh
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Charger1406
- Registered User
- Posts: 256
- Joined: 05 Apr 2003, 02:00
- Location: Richards Bay
"Drunk Farts"
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunk replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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Charger1406
- Registered User
- Posts: 256
- Joined: 05 Apr 2003, 02:00
- Location: Richards Bay
This is long but flippen hilarious!!! It's not me I got it from someone else. Here it is:
How To Terrorize McDonalds
(Originally an Apple ][ file so excuse the upper case!!!)
NOW, ALTHOUGH Mc DONALDS IS FAMOUS FOR IT'S ADVERTISING AND MAKING THE
WHOLE WORLD THINK THAT THE BIG MAC IS THE BEST THING TO COME ALONG SINCE
SLICED BREAD (BUNS?), EACH LITTLE RESTAURANT IS AS AMATEUR AND SIMPLE AS
A NEW-FOUND BUSNESS. NOT ONLY ARE ALL THE EMPLOYEES RATHER INEXPERIENCED
AT WHAT THEY'RE =SUPPOSED= TO DO, BUT THEY WILL JUST LOOSE ALL CONTROL WHEN
AN EMERGENCY OCCURS....HERE WE GO!!! FIRST, GET A FEW FRIENDS (4 IS
GOOD...I'LL GET TO THIS LATER) AND ENTER THE MCDONALDS RESTAURANT, TALKING
LOUDLY AND REAKING OF SOME STRANGE SMELL THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THE OLD
COUPLE SITTING BY THE DOOR LEAVE. IF ONE OF THOSE PIMPLY-FACED GOONS IS
WIPING THE FLOOR, THEN TRACK SOME CRAP ALL OVER IT (YOU COULD PRETEND TO
SLIP AND BREAK YOUR HEAD, BUT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SO).
NEXT, BEFORE YOU GET THE FOOD, FIND A TABLE. START YELLING AND RELEASING
SOME STRANGE BODY ODOR SO =ANYBODY= WOULD LEAVE THEIR TABLE AND WALK OUT
THE DOOR. SIT 2 FRIENDS THERE, AND GO UP TO THE COUNTER WITH ANOTHER.
FIND A PLACE WHERE THE LINE IS SHORT, OR IF THE LINE IS LONG SAY "I ONLY
WANNA BUY A COKE" AND YOU GET MOVED UP. NOW, YOU GET TO DO THE =ORDERING=
...HEH HEH HEH. SOMEBODY =ALWAYS= MUST WANT A PLAIN
HAMBURGER WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON IT (THIS TAKES EXTRA TIME TO MAKE, AND
DRIVES THE LITTLE HAMBURGER-MAKERS INSANE)..ORDER A 9-PACK OF CHICKEN
MCNUGGETS...NO, A 20 PACK...NO, THREE 6 PACKS...WAIT...GO BACK TO THE TABLE
AND ASK WHO WANTS WHAT. YOUR OTHER FRIEND WAITS BY THE COUNTER AND MAKES A
PASS AT THE FEMALE CLERK. GET BACK TO THE THING AND ORDER THREE 6-PACKS OF
CHICKEN ETC....NOW SHE SAYS "WHAT KIND OF SAUCE WOULD YOU LIKE?".OF COURSE,
SAY THAT YOU ALL WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WANTS 2 (ONLY IF
THERE ARE ONLY 2 CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE LEFT).THEN THEY HAFTA GO INTO
THE STOREROOM AND OPEN UP ANOTHER BOX. FINALLY, THE DRINKS...SOMEBODY WANTS
COKE, SOMEBODY ROOT BEER, AND SOMEBODY DIET COKE. AFTER THESE ARE DELIVERED,
BRING THEM BACK AND SAY "I DIDN'T ORDER A DIET COKE! I ORDERED A SPRITE!"
THIS GETS THEM MAD; BETTER YET, TURN DOWN SOMETHING TERRIBLE THAT NOBODY
WANTS TO DRINK, SO THEY HAFTA THROW THE DRINK AWAY; THEY CAN'T SELL IT.
AFTER ALL THE FOOD(?) IS HANDED TO YOU, YOU MUST =NEVER= HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
TO PAY. THE CLERK WILL BE SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED THAT SHE'LL LET YA GET
AWAY WITH IT (ANOTHER INFLUENCE ON HER IS YOUR FRIEND ASKING HER "IF YOU
LET US GO I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU" AND GIVING HER A FAKE FONE NUMBER).
NOW, BACK TO YOUR TABLE. BUT FIRST, SOMEBODY LIKES KETCHUP AND MUSTARD.
AND PLENTY (TOO MUCH) OF NAPKINS. OH, AND SOMEBODY LIKES FORKS AND KNIVES,
SO ALWAYS END UP BREAKING THE ONES YOU PICK OUTTA THE BOX. HAVE YOUR
FRIENDS YELL OUT,"YAY!!!!! WE HAVE MUNCHIES!!" AS LOUD AS THEY CAN.
THAT'LL WORRY THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT. PROCEED TO SIT DOWN. SO, YOU ARE
SITTING IN THE SMOKING SECTION (BY ACCIDENT) EH? WELL, WHILE ONE OF THE
TOBACCO-BREATHERS ISN'T LOOKING, PUT A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
ROOM SAYING "DO NOT SMOKE HERE" AND HE'LL HAFTA MOVE...THEN HE GOES INTO
THE REAL NON-SMOKING SECTION, AND GETS YELLED AT. HE THEN THINKS THAT
NO SMOKING IS ALLOWED IN THE RESTAURANT, SO HE EATS OUTSIDE (IN THE POUR-
ING RAIN) AFTER YOUR MEAL IS FINISHED (AND QUITE A FEW SPLATTERED-OPENED
KETCHUP PACKETS ARE ALL OVER YER TABLE), TRY TO LEAVE. BUT OOPS! SOMEBODY
HAS TO DO HIS DUTY IN THE MEN'S ROOM. AS HE GOES THERE, HE STICKS AN
UNEATED HAMBURGGR (WOULD YOU DARE TO EAT ONE OF THEIR HAMBURGERS?)
INSIDE THE TOILET, FLUSHES IT A WHILE,UNTIL IT RUNS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.
OOPS! SEND A PIMPLY-FACED TEENAGER TO CLEAN IT UP. (HE WON'T KNOW THAT
BROWN THING IS A HAMBURGER, AND HE'LL GET SICK. WHEEE!)
AS YOU LEAVE THE RESTCURANT, LOOKING BACK AT YOUR UNCLEANED TABLE, SOMEBODY
MUST REMEMBER THAT THEY LEFT THEIR CHOCOLATE SHAKE THERE! THE ONE THAT'S
ALMOST FULL!!!! HE TAKES IT THEN SAYS "THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!", THEN HE
TAKES OFF THE LID AND THROWS IT INTO THE GARBAGE CAN...OOPS! HE MISSED,
AND NOW THE SAME POOR SOUL WHO'S CLEANING UP THE BATHROOM NOW HASTA CLEAN
UP CHOCOLATE SHAKE. THEN LEAVE THE JOINT, REVERSING THE "YES, WE'RE OPEN"
SIGN (AS A REMINDER OF YER VISIT THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE JUST PUT
ALL OF MCDONALDS INTO COMPLETE MAYHEM. AND SINCE THERE IS NO PENALTY FOR
LITTERING IN A RESTAURANT, BUGGING PEOPLE IN A PUBLIC EATERY (OR
THROW-UPERY, IN THIS CASE) YOU GET OFF SCOT-FREE. WASN'T THAT FUN?
How To Terrorize McDonalds
(Originally an Apple ][ file so excuse the upper case!!!)
NOW, ALTHOUGH Mc DONALDS IS FAMOUS FOR IT'S ADVERTISING AND MAKING THE
WHOLE WORLD THINK THAT THE BIG MAC IS THE BEST THING TO COME ALONG SINCE
SLICED BREAD (BUNS?), EACH LITTLE RESTAURANT IS AS AMATEUR AND SIMPLE AS
A NEW-FOUND BUSNESS. NOT ONLY ARE ALL THE EMPLOYEES RATHER INEXPERIENCED
AT WHAT THEY'RE =SUPPOSED= TO DO, BUT THEY WILL JUST LOOSE ALL CONTROL WHEN
AN EMERGENCY OCCURS....HERE WE GO!!! FIRST, GET A FEW FRIENDS (4 IS
GOOD...I'LL GET TO THIS LATER) AND ENTER THE MCDONALDS RESTAURANT, TALKING
LOUDLY AND REAKING OF SOME STRANGE SMELL THAT AUTOMATICALLY MAKES THE OLD
COUPLE SITTING BY THE DOOR LEAVE. IF ONE OF THOSE PIMPLY-FACED GOONS IS
WIPING THE FLOOR, THEN TRACK SOME CRAP ALL OVER IT (YOU COULD PRETEND TO
SLIP AND BREAK YOUR HEAD, BUT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SO).
NEXT, BEFORE YOU GET THE FOOD, FIND A TABLE. START YELLING AND RELEASING
SOME STRANGE BODY ODOR SO =ANYBODY= WOULD LEAVE THEIR TABLE AND WALK OUT
THE DOOR. SIT 2 FRIENDS THERE, AND GO UP TO THE COUNTER WITH ANOTHER.
FIND A PLACE WHERE THE LINE IS SHORT, OR IF THE LINE IS LONG SAY "I ONLY
WANNA BUY A COKE" AND YOU GET MOVED UP. NOW, YOU GET TO DO THE =ORDERING=
...HEH HEH HEH. SOMEBODY =ALWAYS= MUST WANT A PLAIN
HAMBURGER WITH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON IT (THIS TAKES EXTRA TIME TO MAKE, AND
DRIVES THE LITTLE HAMBURGER-MAKERS INSANE)..ORDER A 9-PACK OF CHICKEN
MCNUGGETS...NO, A 20 PACK...NO, THREE 6 PACKS...WAIT...GO BACK TO THE TABLE
AND ASK WHO WANTS WHAT. YOUR OTHER FRIEND WAITS BY THE COUNTER AND MAKES A
PASS AT THE FEMALE CLERK. GET BACK TO THE THING AND ORDER THREE 6-PACKS OF
CHICKEN ETC....NOW SHE SAYS "WHAT KIND OF SAUCE WOULD YOU LIKE?".OF COURSE,
SAY THAT YOU ALL WANT BARBECUE SAUCE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS WANTS 2 (ONLY IF
THERE ARE ONLY 2 CONTAINERS OF BARBECUE SAUCE LEFT).THEN THEY HAFTA GO INTO
THE STOREROOM AND OPEN UP ANOTHER BOX. FINALLY, THE DRINKS...SOMEBODY WANTS
COKE, SOMEBODY ROOT BEER, AND SOMEBODY DIET COKE. AFTER THESE ARE DELIVERED,
BRING THEM BACK AND SAY "I DIDN'T ORDER A DIET COKE! I ORDERED A SPRITE!"
THIS GETS THEM MAD; BETTER YET, TURN DOWN SOMETHING TERRIBLE THAT NOBODY
WANTS TO DRINK, SO THEY HAFTA THROW THE DRINK AWAY; THEY CAN'T SELL IT.
AFTER ALL THE FOOD(?) IS HANDED TO YOU, YOU MUST =NEVER= HAVE ENOUGH MONEY
TO PAY. THE CLERK WILL BE SO ANGRY AND CONFUSED THAT SHE'LL LET YA GET
AWAY WITH IT (ANOTHER INFLUENCE ON HER IS YOUR FRIEND ASKING HER "IF YOU
LET US GO I'LL GO OUT WITH YOU" AND GIVING HER A FAKE FONE NUMBER).
NOW, BACK TO YOUR TABLE. BUT FIRST, SOMEBODY LIKES KETCHUP AND MUSTARD.
AND PLENTY (TOO MUCH) OF NAPKINS. OH, AND SOMEBODY LIKES FORKS AND KNIVES,
SO ALWAYS END UP BREAKING THE ONES YOU PICK OUTTA THE BOX. HAVE YOUR
FRIENDS YELL OUT,"YAY!!!!! WE HAVE MUNCHIES!!" AS LOUD AS THEY CAN.
THAT'LL WORRY THE ENTIRE RESTAURANT. PROCEED TO SIT DOWN. SO, YOU ARE
SITTING IN THE SMOKING SECTION (BY ACCIDENT) EH? WELL, WHILE ONE OF THE
TOBACCO-BREATHERS ISN'T LOOKING, PUT A SIGN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
ROOM SAYING "DO NOT SMOKE HERE" AND HE'LL HAFTA MOVE...THEN HE GOES INTO
THE REAL NON-SMOKING SECTION, AND GETS YELLED AT. HE THEN THINKS THAT
NO SMOKING IS ALLOWED IN THE RESTAURANT, SO HE EATS OUTSIDE (IN THE POUR-
ING RAIN) AFTER YOUR MEAL IS FINISHED (AND QUITE A FEW SPLATTERED-OPENED
KETCHUP PACKETS ARE ALL OVER YER TABLE), TRY TO LEAVE. BUT OOPS! SOMEBODY
HAS TO DO HIS DUTY IN THE MEN'S ROOM. AS HE GOES THERE, HE STICKS AN
UNEATED HAMBURGGR (WOULD YOU DARE TO EAT ONE OF THEIR HAMBURGERS?)
INSIDE THE TOILET, FLUSHES IT A WHILE,UNTIL IT RUNS ALL OVER THE BATHROOM.
OOPS! SEND A PIMPLY-FACED TEENAGER TO CLEAN IT UP. (HE WON'T KNOW THAT
BROWN THING IS A HAMBURGER, AND HE'LL GET SICK. WHEEE!)
AS YOU LEAVE THE RESTCURANT, LOOKING BACK AT YOUR UNCLEANED TABLE, SOMEBODY
MUST REMEMBER THAT THEY LEFT THEIR CHOCOLATE SHAKE THERE! THE ONE THAT'S
ALMOST FULL!!!! HE TAKES IT THEN SAYS "THIS TASTES LIKE CRAP!", THEN HE
TAKES OFF THE LID AND THROWS IT INTO THE GARBAGE CAN...OOPS! HE MISSED,
AND NOW THE SAME POOR SOUL WHO'S CLEANING UP THE BATHROOM NOW HASTA CLEAN
UP CHOCOLATE SHAKE. THEN LEAVE THE JOINT, REVERSING THE "YES, WE'RE OPEN"
SIGN (AS A REMINDER OF YER VISIT THERE YOU HAVE IT! YOU HAVE JUST PUT
ALL OF MCDONALDS INTO COMPLETE MAYHEM. AND SINCE THERE IS NO PENALTY FOR
LITTERING IN A RESTAURANT, BUGGING PEOPLE IN A PUBLIC EATERY (OR
THROW-UPERY, IN THIS CASE) YOU GET OFF SCOT-FREE. WASN'T THAT FUN?
There are four guys in a private jet: A pastor, a little boy, a pilot and Robert Mugabe. The engine stalls, and the pilot says, "Sorry folks, only three parachutes, goodbye!" grabs one and jumps. So Mugabe says, " I'm the leader of the greatest nation on Earth, and as the smartest man in the world, I need a parachute too." He grabs and jumps. So there's one parachute left, the pastor and the kid. The pastor says "I've had a long and full life, but you're still young so take the parachute." But the kid replies, "Don't worry, the smart Mugabe took my backpack"
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Dra90n3ddy
- Registered User
- Posts: 337
- Joined: 24 Aug 2003, 02:00
- Location: Dark Side of the Moon
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She
would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell,"The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in
appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"
She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same
muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!
would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell,"The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in
appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, everytime the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir stand with her. And when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the muthafukkah burn! Burn muthafukkah burn!"
She embarrassingly corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same
muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!!!
I kill you in my dreams, I turn the other cheek during the day.
i5 2500k : ASUS P8P67 : ASUS 560ti : Antec High Current Pro 850 : 2x2GB G.Skill : 160GB + 1.5TB Seagate SATA 7200rpm : LG super multi DVD writer : Coolermaster Storm Enforcer
i5 2500k : ASUS P8P67 : ASUS 560ti : Antec High Current Pro 850 : 2x2GB G.Skill : 160GB + 1.5TB Seagate SATA 7200rpm : LG super multi DVD writer : Coolermaster Storm Enforcer
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skunkymunky
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 5906
- Joined: 04 Mar 2003, 02:00
- Location: The HoffPalace
A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that penguin?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I'm taking him to the movies."
Fool people into thinking youve got a horse by taking off a unicorns horn
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skunkymunky
- Permanently Banned
- Posts: 5906
- Joined: 04 Mar 2003, 02:00
- Location: The HoffPalace
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"
Fool people into thinking youve got a horse by taking off a unicorns horn
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gareth007
- Registered User
- Posts: 453
- Joined: 06 Jan 2003, 02:00
- Location: Johannesburg - Edenvale
- Contact:
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3 . I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16 . Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been..."
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3 . I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life!
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16 . Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been..."
Then another horse came out, a fiery red one.
Its rider was given power to take peace from the earth
And to make men slay each other.
To him was given a large sword.
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Jack_daniels_VO
- Registered User
- Posts: 38
- Joined: 01 Aug 2003, 02:00
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hamin_aus
- Forum Moderator
- Posts: 18363
- Joined: 28 Aug 2003, 02:00
- Processor: Intel i7 3770K
- Motherboard: GA-Z77X-UP4 TH
- Graphics card: Galax GTX1080
- Memory: 32GB G.Skill Ripjaws
- Location: Where beer does flow and men chunder
- Contact:
Two whales are swimming in the ocean when they see a Japanese whaling ship.
One whale turns to the other and says "Thats the same ship that killed my son. Lets swim underneath it and use pressure from our blow-hole to capsise it."
They capsise the ship and as the sailors are abandoning ship, the whale says - "Now lets eat the bastards."
The other whale swims away saying "No way! I helped you with the blowjob, but I'm not gonna swallow the seamen!"
One whale turns to the other and says "Thats the same ship that killed my son. Lets swim underneath it and use pressure from our blow-hole to capsise it."
They capsise the ship and as the sailors are abandoning ship, the whale says - "Now lets eat the bastards."
The other whale swims away saying "No way! I helped you with the blowjob, but I'm not gonna swallow the seamen!"
Yo Jamin za that was so damn funny man! I can't stop LMAO!
Neway:
Three grannies are sitting in the park when all of a sudden along comes a flasher! He procedes to show the grannies his goods! Then two of the Grannies had a stroke, the other couldn't reach!
Two nuns are riding there bikes on a road! One nun says to the other,' I haven't come this way before.'
The other replies,' Must be the cobblestones!'
Neway:
Three grannies are sitting in the park when all of a sudden along comes a flasher! He procedes to show the grannies his goods! Then two of the Grannies had a stroke, the other couldn't reach!
Two nuns are riding there bikes on a road! One nun says to the other,' I haven't come this way before.'
The other replies,' Must be the cobblestones!'
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"
Understanding technicians...
Two technical students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second technician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second technician nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
- - -
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the technician, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- - -
A pastor, a doctor and a technician were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The technician fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The technician said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
- - -
There was a technician who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired technician who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The technician reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the technician for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The technician responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999."
The bill was paid in full and the technician retired again in peace.
- - -
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Technicians believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
- - -
An architect, an artist and a technician were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The technician said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Technician: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the PC and get some work done."
- - -
A technician was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The technician took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the technician took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The technician said, "Look, I'm an technician. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
Two technical students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second technician replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second technician nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
- - -
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the technician, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
- - -
A pastor, a doctor and a technician were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The technician fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The technician said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
- - -
There was a technician who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired technician who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The technician reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated "This is where your problem is."
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the technician for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The technician responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999."
The bill was paid in full and the technician retired again in peace.
- - -
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Technicians believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
- - -
An architect, an artist and a technician were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The technician said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Technician: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the PC and get some work done."
- - -
A technician was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The technician took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the technician took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The technician said, "Look, I'm an technician. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
-
OnlyOneKenobi
- Moderator Emeritus
- Posts: 19641
- Joined: 07 Mar 2003, 02:00
- Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said,
"Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please?
Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said,
"Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't!"
Intel Core i7-950 | MSI X58 Pro-E, STK1366 | Geforce GTX470 1280 | 8GB DDR3 1333Mhz RAM | Samsung 226BW Monitor | Windows 7 Home Premium
EVER APPLIED FOR A JOB AND GOT REJECTED? WORRY NO MORE, HERE'S WHAT YOU
CAN DO.
Dear Sir / Madam
Thank you for your letter of 4 September. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 18 September at
8.30 am.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Yours .........
CAN DO.
Dear Sir / Madam
Thank you for your letter of 4 September. After careful consideration I
regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
employment with your company. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.
Therefore I will start work with your company on Monday 18 September at
8.30 am.
I look forward to seeing you then.
Yours .........
CLASSES FOR MEN !!!! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!
Evening classes for men. Starting this month! Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation and breathing techniques.
12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
==================================================== =======
CLASSES FOR WOMEN..
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol : Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Evening classes for men. Starting this month! Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.
1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders? Round-table discussion.
3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline and support groups.
6. Learning how to find things starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation and breathing techniques.
12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays,anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.
==================================================== =======
CLASSES FOR WOMEN..
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Petrol : Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Athlon64 3700+ San Diego || DFI NF4 Sli-Dr || Chaintech 6600 GT || 80GB Seagate ATA100 || 2x512 Mushkin Redline XP4000 || Cooled by: VapoChill PE
-
OnlyOneKenobi
- Moderator Emeritus
- Posts: 19641
- Joined: 07 Mar 2003, 02:00
- Location: A Galaxy Far, Far Away
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called
the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but
rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is
a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location!'"
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called
the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he
was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but
rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is
a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location!'"
Intel Core i7-950 | MSI X58 Pro-E, STK1366 | Geforce GTX470 1280 | 8GB DDR3 1333Mhz RAM | Samsung 226BW Monitor | Windows 7 Home Premium