Of language and other fetishes

[Tribble]

Got this from StarPhoenix today. It is too clever for the jokes thread so decided to make a thread dedicated to those Grammar Nazis, Language Lizards and Word Wielders.

Creative Puns for Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was -- -- Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island -- -- but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker -- -- but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class -- -- because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder -- -- and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, -- -- it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road -- -- and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France -- -- would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race -- -- they ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow -- -- fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall -- -- the police are looking into it.
12. Atheism --- is a non-prophet organisation.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway -- -- One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger -- -- then, it hit me
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said -- -- ‘Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital -- -- his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road -- -- is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison -- -- was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray -- -- is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet -- -- writes inverse.
21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. -- -- in feudalism, it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary -- -- they got a taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults -- -- practice safe sects!

[Prime]

*Double face desk*

[Tribble]

I know - they are wonderful - aren't they?!

[Sojourn]

good stuff:-)

[Ryan_Cooper]

*Tribble posted 23 puns hoping that it would make people laugh ---- no pun in ten did*

[DAE_JA_VOO]

*Double face desk*

I LOL'd

Very good stuff Tribs

[Tribble]

Ryan_Cooper, heee hee

It is all thanks to StarPhoenix - he sent it to me

[GDI_Lord]

Talking about fetishes, Ryan_Cooper, dude, what's up with your sig? It looks like Spongebob is trying to do something bad to that Gremlin! Lol@the randomness of it!

[Tribble]

Well it is a pirate Sponge Bob

[Prime]

I had the "atheism is a non-prophet organisation" one in my sig last year.

[Tribble]

I couldn't find the language thread that I was looking for - so decided to use this one

An Ode to English Plurals






We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.


One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.


You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.


If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?


If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?


If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.


We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.


There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.


English muffins weren't invented in England .


We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?


Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.


If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
Get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?


If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?


Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive on a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
In which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

[KatrynKat]

you just made my morning look less bluish....

[Tribble]

Glad I could help