Jokes! - come have a laugh

[Synthesis]

I've decided if I ever get a terminal disease like cancer for example, I'm going to tell people I'm dying of AIDS.
This way I know when I'm dead they'll all leave my wife alone!

[Tribble]

Oh my - your poor wife. Destined to be ostracised after your death. Jealous much

Like the Jewish lady who went to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist that she wanted gold bracelets painted up both her arms, rings on every finger, a diamond tiara on her head, beautiful pearls around her neck. The artist was curious and asked why. She answered "I am dying and I know that my husband is having an affair. When I am gone, the witch is going to move into my house. She will see this painting and I want her to go mad looking for all my jewellery."

[Rajiv]

Where did you get that?

[Tribble]

My dad used to tell me that joke - he was much better at joke telling than I was

[Synthesis]

“Let’s eat Grandma” or “Let’s eat, Grandma”- Punctuation saves lives.

Going to MacDonalds for a salad roll is like going to a brothel for a hug.

Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you’re a pirate!

COD, Keeping teenage pregnancy down since 2003.

Friends are like potatoes… If you eat them, they die.

New Moon: The story of a girls choice between Beastiality and Necrophilia.

[KatrynKat]

LAWS NEWTON FORGOT


Law of Queue: If you change queues the one you've just left will start moving faster.
Law of Telephone: You'll never get an engaged tone when you dial a wrong number.
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch.
Law of the Workshop: When dropped, any tool will roll to the least accessible corner.
Bath Theorem: When the body is immersed in water the telephone will ring.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you'll have a flat tyre.
Law on Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you're with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine doesn't work, it will.
Law of the Theatre: People with seats furthest from the aisle will arrive last.

[KatrynKat]

CATS VS DOGS

• Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they're good and ready.
• Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
• Dogs will bark to wake you if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
• Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
• Dogs will play frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
• Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad you went to work at all.

[KatrynKat]

TAKE NOTE

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea. Just joking, they're all dead.
Sincerely, BP.

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it."
Sincerely, Google.

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton.

Dear Saturn,
I liked it so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God.

Dear Martin Luther King Jnr,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream - What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio.

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel and Sleeping Beauty.

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colour-Blind.

[Tribble]

Hee hee cute

[RiaX]

shaw the telephone one is sooo true

[GreyWolf]

Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.

Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

It works on my machine.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it's too late.

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

With regard to adding more programmers to get a project done faster...Nine people can't make a baby in a month.

A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As he lay there in bed
Looping 'round in his head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

Weeks of coding can save you hours of planning.

You can stand on the shoulders of giants OR a big enough pile of dwarfs, works either way.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot

We better hurry up and start coding, there are going to be a lot of bugs to fix.

A computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.

Mostly, when you see programmers, they aren't doing anything. One of the attractive things about programmers is that you cannot tell whether or not they are working simply by looking at them. Very often they're sitting there seemingly drinking coffee and gossiping, or just staring into space. What the programmer is trying to do is get a handle on all the individual and unrelated ideas that are scampering around in his head.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Never trust a programmer with a screw driver.

[lancelot]

Good lines there GreyWolf

[KatrynKat]

some are so true.....

[KatrynKat]

Malema applied to a medical school to become a doctor

Needless to say he never made it.
You know why?

These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam:

Antibody - against everyone.

Artery - The study of paintings.

Bacteria - back door of a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat Scan - searching for a lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red Blood Count - Dracula.

Tablet - small table.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

[Rajiv]

Where did you get that?
Where did that come from....

[KatrynKat]

why?
from someone's blog....

[KALSTER]

Malema applied to a medical school to become a doctor

Needless to say he never made it.

If he didn't make it, I guess he would be needless, huh?

[RiaX]

Where did you get that?
Where did that come from....

dude why you keep asking where people get these email jokes from?

[RuadRauFlessa]

[CapNemo]

Where did you get that?
Where did that come from....

dude why you keep asking where people get these email jokes from?

He is a spy for the government they are tracking down the insulting internet

[Rajiv]

I need jokes to impress friends you know!!!
Just kidding!
I just feel like asking those questions - there's no harm in asking questions...

[RiaX]

no there isnt but its spamming the jokes thread guy, lets leave the jokes thread for jokes

[Stuart]

Q. What is Forrest Gump's usual alphanumeric password?

Spoiler (show)

A. 1forrest1

[Synthesis]

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

[wizardofid]

how do you get a Cisco Certified Network Administrator off your porch?

pay for your pizza