Jokes! - come have a laugh

[Rajiv]

I don't if this was put on earlier in this thread, but I heard it from a friend today during cheering practice:

Knock, knock,
Who's there,
Nobody.

Very lame.

[Tribble]

I got this from Rid1

Obscure Engineering Conversion Factors


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle

16. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

21. 1000 ccs of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V. League

[Rajiv]

That is awesome... Hmmm. I like nr 16 - "365 bicycles = 1 unicycle"
Nice one Tribble!

[Rajiv]

That is awesome... Hmmm. I like nr 16 - "365 bicycles = 1 unicycle"
Nice one Tribble!

[lancelot]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified

reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a

magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;

all is going well.




Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard

in London.

The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama,

"Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that

even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another

thought...

Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

[Rajiv]

Good one too... Hahahaha.

[MIA]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

[Rajiv]

Nice!!!

[lancelot]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.


A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.


Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.


A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[lancelot]

Chuck Norris is back, more lame Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris doesn't need twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris bit the Apple logo.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Yoda used to be 6 feet tall till he tried that Force crap on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer (on his studio nogal…)

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke... that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Everybody tries to be perfect... Perfection tries to be Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day."

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris can single handedly surround his victims.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the tv show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Chuck Norris decides where he is.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies... As The Force.

Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes

Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest

Chuck Norris was born on February 30th.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.

Only Chuck Norris can dislike on Facebook

The sheep on Chuck Norris' farm are the ones that give us steel wool.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang it doesn't dare come back

Chuck Norris does not fart, nothing escapes Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Chuck Norris kicked planet earth, and it hasn't stopped spinning to this day.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element Chuck Norris recognizes is the element of surprise

Unstoppable force meeting an immovable object? Chuck Norris clapping.

Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can use Mxit on a pay phone

[Stuart]

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in London. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

My word, I haven't laughed like that in ages! Completely made my day there.

[lancelot]

I am pleased that I got you to laugh Stu!

[RiaX]

where do chuck norris joke come from ?

[RuadRauFlessa]

where do chuck norris joke come from ?

There is not such thing as a Chuck Norris joke..... it is all facts.

[RiaX]

lol

[Rajiv]

They are the BEST!!!

[Rajiv]

[Tribble]

An oldy - but it made me smile. Forgive the language

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%

But ,

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far bottom kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullturds and bum kissing that will put you over the top.


'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'

[Rajiv]

Wait a minute... My neighbour received an email, from her friend, just like that some days back and it was then forwarded to my father and then he sent it to me... Where did you get that?

[Tribble]

From my mother I think. Oooh I really hope they don't know each other These things are everywhere. Don't worry about it.

[Rajiv]

Does your mother drive a yellow vw citigolf?

[Tribble]

Lol my mother would not drive anything yellow

[Rajiv]

Wrong friend then...

[Tribble]

And my mom is on the south coast

[Rajiv]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..............