Jokes! - come have a laugh

[DeathPing]

An entire post got nuked?

[Tribble]

I want to know what it was

[Stuart]

An entire post got nuked?

Moved it to the Picture of the Day thread because, you know, it contained pictures.

[MIA]

When the americans went to space they quickly found out that ball point pens wouldn't work in zero G's so NASA spent a decade and 12 billion dollars developing a pen that could write in zero G's, upside down, underwater on almost any surface including glass and in temperatures ranging from below freezing and to 300 degrees F
THE RUSSIANS USED A PENCIL

[ADT]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That’s a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.
It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen".
"What’s your name?" she asked. He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[ADT]

LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT



Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died
some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over of my body.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down
and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now! '

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"

And that's when I shot him, the little *******

[Tribble]

- to all the above

[KALSTER]

A recording of real 911 call I just heard on OFM that went something like this:

Redneck: Hi, err.. my wife got attacked by a warthog, err..she lying on the ground hurt real bad, err.. could you send an ambulance?
Operator: Ok sir, can you give the address please and we'll send somebody right out.
Redneck: Yeah, err, it is 9875 Eucalyptus Drive.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Redneck: Errrr....I tell you what - I'll just drag her over to Oak Street and you can just pick her up there.

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahaha

[ADT]

So I Got on the bus, pissed and stoned out of my mind. An old lady said to me "You're going to hell, young man". So i got off the bus.

[DeathPing]

Bwahahahahahahaha! I am still crawling around on the floor, trying to type this reply!

Awesome - all of you!

[skunkymunky]

Paddy found out his wife was having an affair, so decided 2 kill her and himself..He puts the gun to his head, looks at wife and says "don't laugh your next" !

[lancelot]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest...

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! To cut a long story short, I bought the device and brought it home, loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the front of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, "Don't do it stupid". Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...

HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. ... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[ADT]

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands.

By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard.

"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem.

I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand"

"So," says the second drunk, "what’s your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!"

[ADT]

A lawyer, an economist, and a teacher were going to the bathroom.
The lawyer gets done, washes his hands, and then proceeds to use almost the entire roll of paper towels to dry his hands. He says "I was taught to be thorough."
The economist gets done, washes his hands, but uses only one paper towel. He says "I was taught to be environmentally friendly."
The teacher gets done and leaves without washing his hands. He says "I was taught not to piss on my hands."

[lancelot]

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he
tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO
NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"


An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.


Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".


An answer I can understand .........

An American tourist asks an Irishman:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat"

[KatrynKat]

bwahahahahahaha....

[skunkymunky]

Leaving the pub on Sunday night, my mate said he had a bottle of Smirnoff at home.
"Got nothing to drink it with though".
"It's midnight." I replied, "Where's open?"
"The garage!" he exclaimed and tottered off towards the lights of the BP station.

Anyway, long story short - vodka and diesel tastes awful.

[KatrynKat]

who would drink that in the first place???

[skunkymunky]

A young Arab asks his father, "What is this weird hat that we are wearing?"
"It's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!"

"And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?"
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!"

"And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?"
"These are 'babouches' which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!"

"Tell me, papa........"

"Yes, my son?"

"..... Why are we living in london and still wearing all this ****???"

[skunkymunky]

Who likes German men?

Hans up.

[ADT]

Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahahaha

[Synthesis]

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out.

A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...
'What did you do that for!'

[Tribble]

Bwahahahah similar to the salesman snail story I heard the other day