Jokes! - come have a laugh

[ADT]

INDIAN SCHOOL of BUSINESS - LESSON 1
Rajpat (the father): Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: "I will choose my own bride!!!"
Rajpat: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.."
Son: "Well, in that case... Ok"
Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates.
Rajpat: "I have a husband for your daughter...."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case... Ok"
Finally Rajpat goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Rajpat: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Rajpat: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case... Ok"


And that is how Indians do business.

[Stuart]

Yuou heard about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication.

[Screeper]

Yuou heard about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal was to transcend dental medication.

[KatrynKat]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

[KatrynKat]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[KatrynKat]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

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Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

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Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[KatrynKat]

why do woman sleep on the right hand side of the bed?

because even though we are a sleep, we are still Right!

[Tribble]

why do woman sleep on the right hand side of the bed?

because even though we are a sleep, we are still Right!

Is that the right side when you are facing it - or lying on it?

[RuadRauFlessa]

Neither Tribble. It is just right.

[Tribble]

Nooo that is not an answer.

[RuadRauFlessa]

Oh but it is. You see if you stand in front of it it is the right side. If you lie on it it is the right side. either way it is the right side. I know woman who sleeps on the left and woman who sleeps on the right. So either side is the right side.

[rustypup]

it's the perfect answer... whichever side she chooses is the right side...

....as long as it's in the kitchen

[Tribble]

Hee hee I finally get it. I was talking physical left and right. I sleep next to the window - whichever that is - in my case - left. Guess that is right.

[doo_much]

Oh but it is. You see if you stand in front of it it is the right side. If you lie on it it is the right side. either way it is the right side. I know woman who sleeps on the left and woman who sleeps on the right. So either side is the right side.

You are so wrong. What about on top?

[RuadRauFlessa]

Hee hee I finally get it. I was talking physical left and right. I sleep next to the window - whichever that is - in my case - left. Guess that is right.

Well there you go. Next to the window is what is right for you.

[KatrynKat]

still the right side!!

[Stuart]

why do woman sleep on the right hand side of the bed?

because even though we are a sleep, we are still Right!

Is that the right side when you are facing it - or lying on it?

It would also change depending on whether you are standing at the foot or the head of the bed.

Edit: Don't you hate it when people over analyse jokes?

[skunkymunky]

At a tribal coming of age ceremony, a youth is placed in front of three tents. The chief of the tribe says to him, "In the first tent there is a barrel of plum wine: you must drink it all. In the second tent there is a puma with a raging toothache: you must take out the good tooth. And in the third tent awaits a woman who has never had an orgasm..." The young Indian enters the first tent and comes back out of it rather quickly, holding the empty barrel and looking somewhat worse for wear. The tribe applauds him. He bumbles into the second tent. The tribe holds its breath as terrible screams, yowls and growls issue forth from the tent. Just when everyone begins to think the young man must be dead he emerges, exhausted and bloody, and says, "Now lead me to the woman with the toothache!"

[doo_much]

"you must take out the good tooth."

That's barbaric!

[skunkymunky]

-Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
-A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
-Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
-Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
-Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
-A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
-Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
-Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
-Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
-Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
-When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
-A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
-What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
-She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
-A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
-If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
-You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
-Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
-Every calendar's days are numbered.
-A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
-A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
-He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
-A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
-Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
-Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
-Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
-Acupuncture is a jab well done

[KatrynKat]

[djwez]

Guide to making a quieter computer

1) Turn off your computer. This will make it totally silent. However, this won't solve the problem forever.

2) Remove all cables, and place the computer in an open area with plenty of room.

3) Meditate for fifteen minutes, focusing all power into your muscles, utilizing the silent abstract construct of the mind.

4) Examine the computer closely, silently, taking in every niche and feature of it's exterior without touching it. The bottom will be out of sight, so you must keep it in your mind's eye.

5) Strike, drive first, with force. Use all physical advantages to overcome the calculating beast, including your weight to crush the tenuous metal. Let the silence of space, and the infinite thoughts of inertia that result to charge your being as you desecrate the church of frag.

6) Bask in silence.

[wizardofid]

A DENTIST WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR ....

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills"...

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"!

"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

[KatrynKat]

LMAO!!!!

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahahhaha