Excuses For Getting Out Of Work

[wizardofid]

Since today feels like national I do not feel like work day.This is appropriate.

We've all been there: it's a beautiful day and you can't bear the thought of going into work. So you call in with the lame-old excuse about feeling ill even though you know your boss doesn't buy it. Besides, "feeling ill" is at best only a short-term solution that won't win you any fans at the office. That's why if you're going to play hooky, you need an excuse that will help you save face as well as your sanity. Here are some ideas.

1. (For women) "I have really bad cramps." Now before you dismiss this one, think about it: Who can argue? It's such an embarrassing topic that nobody will ever challenge you. It's one of those things that men honestly have no clue about and women can sympathize with.

2. (For men) "I have horrible diarrhea." Again, before you dismiss this one, remember that it's such an embarrassing topic - especially for a man - nobody will doubt your sincerity. Plus, it's simple. You don't need an elaborate back story because no one wants to hear the details. If anything, your boss and co-workers will admire you for your honesty.

3. "I'm having an allergic reaction to _______, and I need a day to recover." This excuse requires a few details about when and where it happened as well as the details of your food allergy, but Google should give you everything you need. The upside of this excuse is that you can use it more than once. The downside is that it requires a good memory and some vigilance: for instance, you can't claim a peanut allergy and then gorge yourself on Thai food at the next company junket.

4. "My grandmother's/grandfather's memorial service is today." This excuse works for two reasons: first, because elderly people die everyday no one is going to think your excuse is unlikely; second, no one is going to question (or resent) a death in your family for fear of offending you. If you play your cards right, this excuse is good for four free days - one for each grandparent - with each new job.

5. "My wife/husband is extremely ill and I need to stay home and take care of them." The excuse is a gem not only because you get a day off, but also because it makes you seem sensitive. The only drawback is that it requires an accomplice - namely, your spouse. As such, you may want to save this excuse for a special occasion when the two of you can organize a special three-day weekend.

6. "One of my children locked themselves in the basement. I couldn't get them out myself so we had to call the fire department." This is only one of a multitude of excuses you can use with mischievous children. Just recycle the same formula - child gets in trouble, child needs help, parent to the rescue. This works with children of all ages, from children traumatized by irresponsible day-care workers to playground fights to errant teenagers. (Hey, this is one of the perks of having kids - they torment us 364 days of the year and we get 1 day off. Fair trade.)

7. "I took some work home last night and will be going through it today from home." Whoever invented telecommuting should be sainted. Just remember that in order to sell the "working from home" excuse you need to email or call the office a couple times throughout the day to maintain the ruse that you're working. The best time to do this is at lunch - that way you get credit for the call but you don't have to answer too many questions.

8. "My next door neighbor's house caught on fire last night and damaged a small part of our roof. So I'll have to spend the day with the insurance company and the assessors." Again, this is a formula: something happened to a neighbor (fire, flood, nuclear fallout), and you are involved through no fault of your own. The important thing is to keep it small. Make it more of an annoyance than a disaster. The idea is to convince your boss and co-workers that you are the unlucky one. "Trust me," you say, "I would much rather be at work."

9. "I got pulled over for speeding on my way to work the other day and I have to go to traffic school." The idea here is that you had minor trouble with the law (emphasis on minor) and you have to pay your dues. A variation on this would be letting your license expire - or at least claiming it did - which means you had to go to the DMV and take a written test as well as a driving test, which could easily take a full day. After all, the DMV has its reputation for a reason.

And finally...

10. "My accountant made some clerical errors on my taxes and I'm being audited." In the wake of the Enron scandal and the demise of Arthur Andersen, this excuse is a sure-thing. The important thing is to make the accountant look like the bad guy - you just need to be there to make sure he doesn't do anything shady. Once again, the key to this excuse is to make everyone feel sorry for you, not envy you.

Any more bright ideas

[RuadRauFlessa]

you just had to.

[Stuart]

Today strikes me more as tl;dr day.

[wizardofid]

I still recommend the tooth paste and a slice of bread method

[KatrynKat]

i can fill pages and pages of excuses on getting out of work and especially out of studying...
but i will not divulge my secrets as then jee will know them...

good luck to all!!

[japie_my_skapie]

I still recommend the tooth paste and a slice of bread method

But then you actually feel nauseous, rather fake it so you can go watch a movie or something.

The tummy-bug and food poisoning excuse is an all time favorite excuse and you can get a sick-note from your local GP 'cause they are so full of hot air that they can't distinguish between a real stomach problem and a fake one

The most hectic excuse I used was in 2007. Went for a weekend to Tzaneen with my old hilux bakkie and on the Sunday decided to set its engine on fire. So I got to stay for a week plus take another day off to 'handle insurance and find new transport'

When going overseas make sure to book an extra week or two but don't tell anyone. On the day that they expect you back, phone them and tell them there's a problem with you passport/visa and bob's your uncle another two weeks off!

[wizardofid]

But then you actually feel nauseous, rather fake it so you can go watch a movie or something.

I have done that before at work and 2 or so hours after throwing up you will be right as rain.....

[japie_my_skapie]

I have done that before at work and 2 or so hours after throwing up you will be right as rain.....

Surely they'll be suspicious of the minty smell when you throw up?

[wizardofid]

Surely they'll be suspicious of the minty smell when you throw up?

*sigh* Who in their right mind would want to watch some one else throw up.....and then smell their breath.

Reminds me of this joke of guy going down to cape town for a fishing trip.He has a terrible day the seas were rough so he spend more time hanging over the side of the ship.When they get back to shore he ask the skipper is there any thing he could take to help the sickness.

The skipper suggest eating a can of jam.So the next day he groups a few guys together to help pay for the days trip.The seas were rough so pretty much every one is throwing up and the guy who ate the jam even worse that the rest of the guys.

Back on shore he ask the skipper why did he suggest the jam.The skipper says well didn't it taste better.....

[japie_my_skapie]

Then what's the point of throwing up when nobody sees it? You can fake that in the bathroom and make convincing noises. And yes when people genuinely throw up you can smell it from 5 meters away.

[wizardofid]

Then what's the point of throwing up when nobody sees it?

Not when your bathroom forms part of an open plan office..... And pretty much any and every one hears you....and then doesn't want come near you with a 10 foot pole.....

There is also another tried and trusted method get a proper sunburn...but that can have a negative effect on your health....

[rustypup]

"My imaginary friend is threatening to stab people today. The doctor said I should sit in a dark room until he goes away."

[StarPhoenix]

I don't have one.

[RuadRauFlessa]

I have several, funny that they all seem to post on this forum though.

[DeathPing]

So what makes you the no. 1 ruler in this body of MINE, since we all are posting here? Why are YOU not at MY work then?

"My other personality - the one with the serial killer capabilities - had to go do it's own job."