Jokes! - come have a laugh

[DeathPing]

Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.

[DeathPing]

A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”

The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”

The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”

The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”

At which point the genie responds, “Um, can I see that map again?”

[DeathPing]

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It’s so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds!

[DeathPing]

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually... the programmer.

[Stuart]

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

[Tribble]

Tribbs, especially for you and for other SQL fundies out there:

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Brilliant - I lolled

Duh mousey - you weren't supposed to like the same joke I did

[Stuart]

Good lawd, what have I done? I think I accidentally introduced Ron to his soulmate with that joke.

[Tribble]

And that is a problem?

[Stuart]

You've never met the soulmate.

[Tribble]

I guess not

[ADT]

job application of the decade



Dear Sir



I refer to the recent death of the Technical Manager at your company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead manager.



Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best man for the job so look no more.



It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.



The company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amicable qualities that speak for themselves.



I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead manager was my referee so we can safely skip that part.



I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known



Yours ever smiling even in tough times.



Tough man Strong.

[HuNtingGoof]

Where's the picture of him at the funeral..? lol

[Prime]

I am perplexed that so many of my friends are against a Mosque being

built near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American

to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote

tolerance.That is why I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened

next door to the mosque , thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque.



We could call the clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".



Next door should be a Butcher shop that specializes in pork and have an open barbeque with spare ribs as its daily special.

Across the street , a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.



Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights,

and on the other side , a liquor store . Maybe call it "Morehammered"?

[Stuart]

Q. How do you know that you're holding a newspaper upside down?

Spoiler (show)

A. Liverpool is in the top 3.

[SykomantiS]

A PhD graduate and an ordinary man went on a camping trip, set up their
tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the ordinary man woke up his
PhD friend: "Look up at the sky and tell me what you see?"

The PhD man replies: "I see millions of stars.” The ordinary man
asks: "What does that tell you?"

The PhD guy ponders for a minute: "Astronomically speaking, it tells
me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Satan is in Leo. Time
wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small
and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

The ordinary man is silent for a moment, and then speaks:
"Practically . . . . . . . . it tells me that the
tent has been stolen."

[KatrynKat]

bwahahahahha............


so many versions to that joke, but never gets old!!

[Tribble]

Q. How do you know that you're holding a newspaper upside down?

Spoiler (show)

A. Liverpool is in the top 3.

[DeathPing]

grnk-grnk! bwahahahahahaha!

[Synthesis]

Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let’s be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
HOLY MOSES Paddy!!!!!..... it's 2010!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'







And Paddy said,
' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[DeathPing]

[skunkymunky]

Gnope. - The Rat

[ryanrich]

Q. How do you know that you're holding a newspaper upside down?

Spoiler (show)

A. Liverpool is in the top 3.

aaahahahaha, love it!

[skunkymunky]

Gnope. - The Rat

dude wat the hell. hw abt you censor the joke that just insulted half the muslims of the world

[Stuart]

Gnope. - The Rat

dude wat the hell. hw abt you censor the joke that just insulted half the muslims of the world

Stick to the rules and I won't delete your jokes.

[rustypup]

hw abt you censor the joke that just insulted half the muslims of the world

you mean only half of them have a grip on a reality? :/ funny, i've always pegged the number a lot higher...

maybe post it sans the swearing?... just an idea....