Jokes! - come have a laugh

[KatrynKat]

ROFL!!!
a true golfer that!

[skunkymunky]

I do, is a short sentence, unless you say it in a church

[KatrynKat]

then it becomes a life long sentence!!

[DeathPing]

@Stu:

The beginner

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what ?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! So NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

[DeathPing]

Golf Ball Laws

1. A ball at rest on a steep slope will tend to remain at rest until the moment it is addressed.

2. A ball that looked stiff to the pin from back in the fairway will be ten feet from the hole when you get to the green.

3. A ball will always come to rest halfway down a slope unless there is sand or water at the bottom.

4. A ball will always seek the lowest point in which to lie so long as that point is not a perfectly round hole 4 1/2 inches in diameter and 4 inches deep.

5. A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.

6. A ball you searched for for five minutes will be found in five seconds by a player in the first group behind you.

7. Before you drop a ball, always decide whether you're going for accuracy or distance.

8. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

9. If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker.

10. If you can't find your ball in the rough, but you do find another ball that you could easily play, it will be orange, yellow, or pink.

11. The ball hit into the rough will always disappear between two identical shrubs.

12. The ball will always travel farthest when hit in the wrong direction.

13. The ball will never lip out of a pot bunker or burn the edge of a pond.

14. The fewer balls you have, the more balls you lose; the more balls you have, the more balls you lose.

15. The harder you try to keep your ball from landing in a particular place, the more certain it is to go there.

16. The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a provisional ball right down the middle of the fairway.

17. The only sure way to get a hole-in-one is to be playing terrible golf all by yourself on a course you sneaked onto without paying on a day when you called in sick.

18. The only sure way to hit a perfectly straight 250-yard drive is to decide not to go for it on a dogleg hole.

19. The only time you can put the ball exactly where you want it is when you stick it in the ballwasher.

20. You can draw the ball, you can fade the ball, but no one can straight the ball.

[DeathPing]

Die-Hard Golfer

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine", he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball..."

[Stuart]

Q: What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team?

Spoiler (show)

A: He was the bat-boy.

[KatrynKat]

love the golf jokes.... my family plays and organises golf days

[Prime]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

[DeathPing]

Bwahahahaha! I think I WAS married to the other sister!

[KatrynKat]

ag shame....

[ADT]

A drunk coloured man, walking past a river sees a priest baptizing his people and decides to go for a baptism.

The priest baptizes his people by dunking their heads into The water and asks, "Have you seen Jesus?"

The people respond "Yes, I've seen Jesus".

When it was the dronkie's turn, the priest dunked his head into the water and pulled him out and asked him



"Have you seen Jesus?" He said no, so the priest put his head back into the water For a few more seconds and again asked "Have you seen Jesus?"

The dronkie replied "No old man."

Angrily, the priest dunked his head for a much longer time And pulled the drunkard's head out and asked him



"Have you seen Jesus?" The drunk replied, "Ekse my broe,........... are you sure he fell into this river?"

[ryanrich]

Saw this in a tweet now...

Q: What is the plural of penis?
A: The ANC youth league.

[Tribble]

<sheepish grin> Haa haa

[ADT]

SIPHO GOES INTO THE BANK, TAKES OUT HIS GUN, POINTS IT TO THE TELLER

AND SAYS: "GIVE ME THE MONEY OR YOU ARE GEOGRAPHY!"

THE TELLER, STILL IN SHOCK, REPLIES: "SIR, YOU MEAN I'M HISTORY."

SIPHO ANGRILY REPLIES: "HEH WENA!!! DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT SF#BE !"

[ADT]

2 guys were convicted of murder and sentence to death penalty. So they were asked to choose if they wanna be hanged immediately or be infected with HIV. Guy 1 says I would rather die immediately and Guy 2 says I choose to be infected with the virus. So guy1 was hanged and died immediately. Guy2 says b4 you inject me can i first go to the Loo, he came back and he was injected on his left bum, he smiled and said, inject me gape on my right bum. As he was going home, his brother asked "buti why did u ask to be injected twice:, and he smiled and said. "eish watseba keng,that police is an idiot bcoz I have put on a condom, so I am protected

[HuNtingGoof]

Bwahahahaha! I think I WAS married to the other sister!

You were MARRIED!!?? OMW! I so did not know.. :S

[DeathPing]

[SykomantiS]

High court hang-ups

A most extraordinary trial is going on in the High Court at the moment in which a man named Chrysler is accused of stealing more than 40,000 coat hangers from hotels round the world. He admits his guilt, but in his defence he claims that – well, perhaps it would be simpler just to bring you a brief extract from the trial. We join the case at the point where Chrysler has just taken the stand.

Counsel: What is your name?

Chrysler: Chrysler. Arnold Chrysler.

Counsel: Is that your own name?

Chrysler: Whose name do you think it is?

Counsel: I am just asking if it is your name.

Chrysler: And I have just told you it is. Why do you doubt it?

Counsel: It is not unknown for people to give a false name in court.

Chrysler: Which court?

Counsel: This court.

Chrysler: What is the name of this court?

Counsel: This is No 5 Court.

Chrysler: No, that is the number of this court. What is the name of this court?

Counsel: It is quite immaterial what the name of this court is!

Chrysler: Then perhaps it is immaterial if Chrysler is really my name.

Counsel: No, not really, you see because...

Judge: Mr Lovelace?

Counsel: Yes, m'lud?

Judge: I think Mr Chrysler is running rings round you already. I would try a new line of attack if I were you.

Counsel: Thank you, m'lud.

Chrysler: And thank you from ME, m'lud. It's nice to be appreciated.

Judge: Shut up, witness.

Chrysler: Willingly, m'lud. It is a pleasure to be told to shut up by you. For you, I would...

Judge: Shut up, witness. Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Now, Mr Chrysler – for let us assume that that is your name – you are accused of purloining in excess of 40,000 hotel coat hangers.

Chrysler: I am.

Counsel: Can you explain how this came about?

Chrysler: Yes. I had 40,000 coats which I needed to hang up.

Counsel: Is that true?

Chrysler: No.

Counsel: Then why did you say it?

Chrysler: To attempt to throw you off balance.

Counsel: Off balance?

Chrysler: Certainly. As you know, all barristers seek to undermine the confidence of any hostile witness, or defendant. Therefore it must be equally open to the witness, or defendant, to try to shake the confidence of a hostile barrister.

Counsel: On the contrary, you are not here to indulge in cut and thrust with me. You are only here to answer my questions.

Chrysler: Was that a question?

Counsel: No.

Chrysler: Then I can't answer it.

Judge: Come on, Mr Lovelace! I think you are still being given the run-around here. You can do better than that. At least, for the sake of the English bar, I hope you can.

Counsel: Yes, m'lud. Now, Mr Chrysler, perhaps you will describe what reason you had to steal 40,000 coat hangers?

Chrysler: Is that a question?

Counsel: Yes.

Chrysler: It doesn't sound like one. It sounds like a proposition which doesn't believe in itself. You know – "Perhaps I will describe the reason I had to steal 40,000 coat hangers... Perhaps I won't... Perhaps I'll sing a little song instead..."

Judge: In fairness to Mr Lovelace, Mr Chrysler, I should remind you that barristers have an innate reluctance to frame a question as a question. Where you and I would say, "Where were you on Tuesday?", they are more likely to say, "Perhaps you could now inform the court of your precise whereabouts on the day after that Monday?". It isn't, strictly, a question, and it is not graceful English but you must pretend that it is a question and then answer it, otherwise we will be here for ever. Do you understand?

Chrysler: Yes, m'lud.

Judge: Carry on, Mr Lovelace.

Counsel: Mr Chrysler, why did you steal 40,000 hotel coat hangers, knowing as you must have that hotel coat hangers are designed to be useless outside hotel wardrobes?

Chrysler: Because I build and sell wardrobes which are specially designed to take nothing but hotel coat hangers.

Sensation in court. More of this tomorrow, I hope

[doo_much]

Drinking problems?

He's got a lot of willpower. He's finally given up trying to stop drinking.

She hates the sight of liquor. That's why she drinks it so fast.

He's on the drinking man's diet. Now he's a skinny drunk.

She's getting so high she's soon going to need a net under her.

He deducts his booze costs because he drinks to others' health so often.

Occasionally, she is held up going home. That's the only way she gets there.

He believes in a balanced diet; a drink in each hand.

She never plays "Spin the Bottle". She won't let go of it!

His nickname is "Truck" because he always has a load on.

It only takes one drink to make her drunk. She's not sure if it's the eighth or ninth drink, however.

He only drinks on days ending in "Y".

She only drinks when she has company or is alone.

He is a public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public.

She knows that alcohol is a slow poison. She doesn't mind, she's not in a hurry.

When he's working overtime, he gets time and a fifth.

When there is a nip in the air, she tries to drink it.

If it wasn't for pretzels, he'd be on a liquid diet.

In bars across the nation, she's one of the unsteadiest customers.

He's the nicest guy on two feet. If he could stay there.

When she catches a cold, she buys a bottle of whisky. In no time, it's gone. The whisky, not the cold.

He's not one to do things halfway. He does them in fifths.

When she comes back from lunch, she's so loaded she has to take the freight elevator.

[wizardofid]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged
himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!'

[Tribble]

Bwahahahahaha

[ryanrich]

So, two women were sitting quietly, minding their own business...

[Stuart]

Bwahahahahahahaha!

[DJT]

So, two women were sitting quietly, minding their own business...

I know we not supposed to quote jokes but....
BEST JOKE EVER!


---------------

Q: Why do chicken breasts not have nipples?
A: Because if they got too cold they would poke a hole in the package

EDIT: Thank you grammar nazi