Jokes! - come have a laugh

[Prime]

[Tribble]

Vampyre_2099, lol I never said I agree with all of it. That second one can go. Guys seriously - put the seat down and close the lid. The toilet looks so much better like that. You don't leave the stove open just so that when you want to bake something it is easy to get to.....

[ryanrich]

A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell "straight." The
boy did so without error. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water" was his reply.

Haha, wtf to the guys that didn't get this...

[Vampyre_2099]

A third-grade child was asked by his teacher to spell "straight." The
boy did so without error. "Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water" was his reply.

Haha, wtf to the guys that didn't get this...

I didn't get it, but maybe because I don't drink and I'm not an alcoholic and maybe even because drinking isn't the first thing on my mind

Vampyre_2099, lol I never said I agree with all of it. That second one can go. Guys seriously - put the seat down and close the lid. The toilet looks so much better like that. You don't leave the stove open just so that when you want to bake something it is easy to get to.....

I agree with you on that one, I always leave it down with the lid closed... Don't see why men can't aim after all these years of standing up, you'd think we hadn't evolved yet... Just had a brilliant idea, p3n1s laser sight slogan: For the man who can't aim

[ryanrich]

I didn't get it, but maybe because I don't drink and I'm not an alcoholic and maybe even because drinking isn't the first thing on my mind

Haha, if you think that you have to drink, be an alcoholic or have drinking as the first thing on your mind to get that joke, then you're sadly mistaken...

Have you honestly never heard somebody order a drink either "straight up" or "on the rocks"? Even not in real life, be it on TV, in a game, anything...

[Vampyre_2099]

I didn't get it, but maybe because I don't drink and I'm not an alcoholic and maybe even because drinking isn't the first thing on my mind

Haha, if you think that you have to drink, be an alcoholic or have drinking as the first thing on your mind to get that joke, then you're sadly mistaken...

Have you honestly never heard somebody order a drink either "straight up" or "on the rocks"? Even not in real life, be it on TV, in a game, anything...

I've heard the term before but as I said, not the first thing on my mind so didn't even contemplate that as an option

[ryanrich]

Sigh. Time to move on...

Anybody got a joke?

[Stuart]

I was seriously injured in a Chinese cooking accident the other day. The doctors told me that I might never be able to wok again.

[doo_much]

Difference Between Men and Women


1. A man will pay R2 for a R1 item he wants. A woman will pay R1 for a R2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

[doo_much]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[doo_much]

Q: Why did God make brunettes?
A: So the ugly men have a chance...

[ryanrich]

Some nice ones guys...

[Stuart]

I'm sure many of these have been seen and posted before. Still ...

The following are (purportedly) actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I eventually feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

[Prime]

Michael Jackson walks into an adult store looking for a sextoy and asks for some help.

"Sorry" says the shopkeeper, "We don't sell children"

[Prime]

A couples front door rings, so the wife goes to answer it.
Excitedly she calls the husband, "Honey, you'll never guess who's at the front door!?"
So the husband comes down to to find Michael Jackson outside.
So the Husband invites Michael inside and tells him how priviliged they feel having him pay them an unexpected visit.
So Michael Responds, "Actually, I'm here about the Babysitting job..."

[Prime]

MY DOG THE ENGINEER

We have a new dog, a toy Australian Shepherd named Snickers. Recently I realized she has an aptitude for engineering. I will explain.

On a normal California day, when I have nothing urgent to accomplish, and the weather is nice, I enjoy walking Snickers. I don’t even mind picking up her "business." It's all part of the experience. But sometimes I have a deadline looming and I'm in a rush. On those days I can get impatient.

Earlier this week I took a break from a busy workday to walk the dog. She accommodated by starting to squeeze out a steamer, but this time something went wrong. The log got halfway out and refused to complete its journey from sphincter to lawn. Snickers grunted and strained to no avail. This is when her engineering savvy kicked in. She started spinning, slowly at first, then picking up speed, evidently to make use of centrifugal force to dislodge her payload. Smart! When I was six months old, I had never even heard of centrifugal force, but here was my six month-old dog making full use of the principle.

Unfortunately it wasn’t working. I looked at my watch and thought about all the work I had to do. The spinning was getting faster and faster. I started to worry that the disgorged projectile would take out a neighbor’s window. If the neighbor happened to be home, that’s exactly the sort of situation that requires a long explanation, with charts and graphs, and ultimately an exchange of money. I didn’t have that kind of time.

So I decided to go all ER on her bottom. I fluffed open a poop bag, slowed her spin, grabbed one end of the turtle’s head and yanked. I think I heard a sound like a champagne cork, but I might be adding some false memory to this story.

Now I worry because Snickers learns fast. Judging from the expression she makes when she is pooping, it looks like a lot of work, and I just taught her she can stop working when the job is only half done. I don't want to end every walk by spinning her around on her leash until escape velocity is achieved. Maybe it’s time to make the kids earn their allowance.

[GDI_Lord]

Prime, BAHAHAHAHA!!! I really struggled not to lol in the office!

[UrBaN]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there." and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants "

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, Bentley Convertible, Mercedes SL600, and a Porsche Carrera 4 in several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Italy, South Florida and a 10,000 acre ranch in California. There is over one hundred and sixty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.
Just send the bottle back."

[UrBaN]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've
heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to
talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *****?'

[Tribble]

Good ones those.

[ryanrich]

JULIUS MALEMA: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DOCTOR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
JULIUS MALEMA : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is the final!

[Stuart]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Spoiler (show)

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Spoiler (show)

Tame way: Unique up on it.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and on the table was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"

The other day a lorry load of tortoises crash into a train load of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster!

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman shouts, "Get out! We don't want your type in here!"

[Stuart]

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Spoiler (show)

A bad golfer goes: *whack* "Dang!"
A bad skydiver goes, "Dang!" *whack*

[Tribble]

unique - how cute (that is how I sound with my head cold)

[GreyWolf]

Anyone know of a good exterminator, we got a terrible rat problem in the jokes thread. Seems hes sneaking in at night and eating all the humour!

Seriously, those were terrible. Not even good terrible, just plain terrible.