Darwin Awards 2003

Dr_Jung · Post by **Dr_Jung** » 26 May 2004, 09:35

Subject: 2003 Darwin Awards

Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again. You all know about
the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees this year are:

A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply,
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire
burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black
and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl uniform look. He was also wearing a
military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber
hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to
one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter.
The tubes other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown,
and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants
around their ankles.

A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was
not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the
couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to
start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the
ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on
arrival at the hospital-the police made a closer inspection of the
couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his
death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the
cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with
the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story,
after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
electrocuting him.

A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near
Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger
and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not
have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that
the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring,
which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he
tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park,
jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman,
said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than
the distance between the trestle and the ground Carmichael said. Police
say the apparent cause of death was Major trauma.

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell
of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas
company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they
had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of
the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the
technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to
three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician
suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as bright by
his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchezs scrotum in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course. This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot did not die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Post by **Y0da** » 26 May 2004, 09:47

You were saying there's no such thing as a stupid human being?...

lancelot · Post by **lancelot** » 26 May 2004, 09:55

YOda, there are stupid acts but although some may be not as advantaged, metally that is, I really dont think people are mentally stupid, just like the so called ugly thing!

Post by **Y0da** » 26 May 2004, 10:20

I know lance. I'm just kiddding. I usually say peeps are too lazy to think, not stupid. And I hat ignorance.

Call me an intellectual snob.

lancelot · Post by **lancelot** » 26 May 2004, 10:29

YOda, I agree and I knew you were kidding, know you better than that! I agree that people do really silly things when they should and have been taught better!

droplet · Post by **droplet** » 28 May 2004, 06:32

i have tears in my eyes. i can't stand up. my stomach is cramping.

ooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww!

reminds me of this: http://www.snopes.com/risque/penile/scrotum.htm

amdretard · Post by **amdretard** » 28 May 2004, 06:51

Some of the things were stupid but they just didnt think

jbayman · Post by **jbayman** » 28 May 2004, 07:02

Darwin awards are cool. I can't believe the kind of stupidity that's out there...